Way #36: Handling Social Pressure
by Rabbi Noah Weinberg
Don't
spend your life trying to impress others. Because even if you convince
others that you're great, have you convinced yourself?
I
met a young man who always talked with his head tilted a bit sideways,
because somebody once told him he had the profile of a famous actor.
Most people didn't think he had an actor's profile; they thought he had a
screw loose.
This
is what happens when making an impression on others determine our
actions. It's human nature to seek recognition for our achievements.
Whatever we're proud of, we want others to know about it, too. Next time
you're in a conversation, see how long it takes the other person (and
yourself!) to start mentioning personal accomplishments.
Why
are we so eager to impress people? Humans are hungry for meaning. But
sometimes we don't reach the level we ought to. So we need to compensate
with an artificial boost from others.
If
people say that you're great, you can become convinced. A movie star
who believes his fan mail is in trouble. Because he's built a house of
cards. And when he falls, he'll fall hard.
Chasing
after honor is a sign that you don't sufficiently respect yourself.
It's like saying, "I might not amount to much, but if I can make others
think I do, then I'm worth something." But it's not true. It's chasing
"fool's gold" – yellow and glittery, but worthless. Deep down you feel
like a fraud.
Way #36 is mit'rahek min hakavod
– literally "keep far from honor." It teaches us not to look to others
for recognition, but to find it within ourselves. Figure out what you
think is meaningful in life, and use that to drive you to greatness.
People who are satisfied with themselves don't need public recognition
to reassure their worth.
This
is a classic body-soul conflict. The body is happy with the illusion
that others think we're important. But the soul looks for what is truly
meaningful. The body says: "Let's be important for the moment." The soul
says: "Let's make it real." The body balks at the challenges involved.
The soul knows the right thing to do.
If
you depend upon the opinions of others to determine how good you are,
then you become like a leaf in the wind, fluttering in whichever
direction the fads of the time blow you.
If you have confidence in your own worth, you'll be better able to follow opinions that are your own and not society's.
God
calls the Jews a "stiff-necked people." Being stiff-necked is both good
and bad. It's bad because you are stubborn and unwilling to change. But
it's good because in the face of fads and trends, you stick to your
guns. If the Jewish people were not stiff-necked, we'd never have
survived till today.
We
all want success and greatness, and we should seek it. But don't live
for others. Don't base your career choice, lifestyle or even leisure
time solely on what gives you status. If you want to be great, then do
something great. Not because it will earn you respect in the eyes of
others, but because you want to live a meaningful life and fulfill your
potential – regardless of the attention it will draw.
Don't
worry. When you follow the straight path, even though others might
initially reject you, you can go to sleep knowing that your conscience
in clear – and knowing that in the end, truth will prevail.
Make
sure that your choices are what's best for you, not based on impressing
others. Always ask yourself: "What is my real motive?" For example, if
you're planning a European vacation, is it because you really want to
visit Europe? Or because you hope to impress everyone with new tales of
adventure?
Here are some exercises you can do:
- Make a list of what people typically seek admiration for – wealth, strength, skills, education, intelligence, career, health, athletics. Are there other, more important things that should be on this list?
- Make a list of things you do to impress others. What is it about these that make you feel so important?
- Ask yourself why you feel the need to impress other people. What do you ultimately hope to accomplish?
Some people are constantly boasting about their achievements, crying out: "Take notice. I am somebody!"
Judaism
says that anyone who does a good deed and boasts about it, loses the
reward for that deed. Suppose you find out about a widow and her
children who have barely enough to eat. So you bring them food, provide
support, and set them on the road to financial independence. The moment
you start boasting about it, you've taken a beautiful act, and used it
for self-aggrandizement.
People
are suspicious of those desperate for recognition. That's why honor is
one of those strange things that the more you run after it, the less you
get.
Judaism
says that when you do a good deed, the only ones who need to know about
it are you and God. Do kindness anonymously. Don't worry. God will find
a way to make sure you're amply rewarded.
One
of the most destructive ways of trying to impress others is by
role-playing. We act out characters that we think others will like. Did
you ever notice how your personality can change in the presence of
different people? To those at the health club, we appear athletic. To
our friends, we are fun. To our boss, we are serious. We may go through
10 or 20 roles per day!
Take
a look at the different ways you project yourself, and try to describe
them. You might even find yourself playing a variety of contradictory
roles. This is dangerous, because by casually switching roles, we can
lose sight of who we really are.
Beware
of media pressure to conform to a certain model. Imagine the
subconscious desire to be the Marlboro Man! Get in touch and decide who
you really want to be. Ask yourself: "What role am I playing? Is that
really who I want to be?"
Who is the real you?
The
capacity for role-playing has a positive side: it can draw out
potential that we may not otherwise access. Because when we act
outwardly in a positive manner, it awakens our inner selves.
Choose
a role that would be good for you, and let it start affecting your
daily behavior. Let's say you want to become genuinely happy. So start
playing the role of the cheerful, smiling, friendly person who likes
being with people. Acting the part will train the body to become attuned
– and the person you are "playing" eventually becomes the real you!
Perhaps
you'll ask: Is there any difference between deceiving others and
deceiving yourself? The answer is that role-playing to bring out
potential is a positive exercise, while role-playing to bring out
compliments is not. The litmus test is when trying to deceive others,
you'll end up feeling rotten afterwards. But if you're acting in order
to improve your character, you'll end up feeling better about yourself.
One
more positive application of role-playing: Strategize how to act in
advance of a challenging situation. For example, if you're going to
deliver a speech in public, practice in front of the mirror to get it
just right. Or, if you tend to argue with your boss, role-play on how to
diffuse the tension. It will save you and others a lot of suffering.
- Don't get trapped in the obsessive need for recognition.
- Seeking the approval of others harms you, because it keeps you from the real work of becoming great.
- If you need others to verify your significance, it's time to examine your self-esteem.
- When you act to impress others, you feel the emptiness inside.
- Ask yourself: Given the choice, would I rather be famous-and-miserable, or satisfied-and-unknown?
- When you get the urge to toot your own horn, ask yourself: Who am I trying to impress?
- Even if you convince people that you're the greatest person in the world, have you convinced yourself?
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