Special Fit Family-mishpacha magazine

Special Fit Family

Rebbetzin Aviva Feiner | Wednesday, December 07, 2011

I am writing this article in the recovery room of the pediatric surgery unit at LIJ Medical Center, as I await a room placement. My son, Shaya, has just undergone minor surgery. Though, baruch Hashem, all went well, the doctor feels that he should be kept for observation overnight.

As I watch the other children and their parents around me, I am given the time and space to reflect. Every morning we say, “Elokai neshamah sheNasata bi — Hashem, You have placed this soul within me.” We know that Hashem chose to place each child’s neshamah in his body and prescribed for him a future together with a specific set of parents.

Yet it is not the parents alone who struggle with the test of caring for a special needs child. The child’s siblings are tested in their role, as well.

A very sweet and innocent child once said to me, “Rebbetzin Feiner, I know why Hashem didn’t give you any other children. It’s because Shaya needs so much special care. But when he gets better, Hashem will give you more children.”

This child’s purity highlights a complex situation that is often so challenging. Who is caring for the children of the woman whose child is in the next bed? There are another four at home, and the child who is here will be hospitalized for at least another three days. While I wonder how I could possibly attend to another child with the overwhelming amount of emotional energy that my son’s needs require of me, I am confident that if, halevai, He would give me more, I could handle it.

Yet I have seen many mothers of one or two multiply handicapped children who successfully attend to many other healthy children. How do parents succeed in juggling the needs of all their children when one child’s weight is so much heavier?

Although I cannot rely on any personal experience to answer this question, I can offer what I have learned from others’ life experience and hope that what I have observed will be helpful to others.

It’s All about Focus

The value of time spent with others is not assessed by the quantity of that time but rather by its quality. A parent can be in the same house as a child all day and not have spent any quality time with her at all. On the other hand, one hour can be so very precious when the child knows that the parent’s focus is exclusively on him or her.

The infrastructure of Klal Yisrael teaches us that personal value is not based on shevet, status, or gender. Similarly, children must be shown that though one sibling may command more attention from their parents, the extra time spent with that child never detracts from the value of their other children.

It is normal for children to feel resentment and frustration, and parents must keep watch for times when these feelings begin to display themselves in unhealthy ways. If they can, the parents should try to find a special activity that can uplift that child. If the needs of a special child are so overwhelming that parents lack the emotional resources to provide for the emotional needs of their healthy children, it falls to family and friends to be aware and pitch in. Often a “big brother” or “big sister” is the best outlet for such a child and can help fill the need for parental attention, especially during a crisis.

Nothing replaces the love, care, and attention that children crave and need from parents, yet families faced with the challenge of raising healthy children along with a special needs child often merit extra siyata d’Shmaya with their healthy children. When meeting these siblings, both as children and later as adults, we commonly find them to be kind and giving individuals whose values and middos reflect the benefits of having been raised alongside a special needs child.

In It Together

Another point to keep in mind is that prior to Hashem matching the special needs child to his or her parents, He matched those parents to each other. Thus, the Hashgachah is even more specific in this relationship: first, vis-à-vis the parents and the child, and second, vis-à-vis the parents with each other regarding how they will raise the child.

Having a special needs child can be a tremendous stress on shalom bayis. Both parents will face their special needs child from their own perspective, with differing amounts of frustration and disappointment. Unfortunately, sometimes one parent accepts the child lovingly with his or her differences, while the other remains in denial or, alternatively, persists in pushing for every possible medical and therapeutic intervention that could possibly enable the child to progress.

When a couple has a child, the spiritual unity they have reached becomes actualized in their child. Neither one is more or less of a parent to the child. Any decision regarding the child’s future must be shared. Any division of care must be based on a unified assessment of how they can best care for their child. Often, much of the load lies on the mother. It is important that both parents recognize their shared responsibility, and if one of them is carrying more of the burden, the other must express the requisite appreciation.

Having a rav to approach for guidance in such a case, as in any other, is imperative. If the aforementioned assessments are skipped and the responsibility ends up skewed, it can become a tremendous source of resentment. Turning to an objective person for advice is invaluable. The Torah figure can also guide parents in realizing what is realistic and necessary hishtadlus for their child’s progress and what is not.

Spouses must keep lines of communication open and ensure that their respect for and commitment to one another remains strong. At times professional intervention can be helpful, but the bedrock of these efforts is remaining focused on the basics of shalom bayis.

When my son was five months old, one of my teachers taught me a great shalom bayis lesson. My son was then hospitalized at ALYN in Yerushalayim, and his situation was relatively stable. My teacher arranged for her daughters to stay with him for two days and persuaded me to spend a Shabbos alone with my husband.

Up until then, we had been spending every Shabbos since his birth in the hospital. Sometimes we slept at home, but we always walked for almost an hour over the hills of Yerushayaim to be with our son on Shabbos day. I learned early on that to be a good mother to my son I needed to take care of myself, yet my teacher taught me that to be good parents, we needed to take care of our marriage. We spent a rejuvenating Shabbos in Tiveria, and I am forever grateful to my teacher and her family for their help!

Parents can only be the stable, unified force that their children need when they protect and continue to cultivate their unity, not as father and mother, but as husband and wife. Time must be taken from their busy schedules on a regular basis to be together. It need not be on Shabbos, but it must be more than a fleeting ten-minute supper or the five minutes before one of them dozes off. Every child benefits from the security that comes from having parents who personify ahavah and rei’us, love and friendship — not only for their children but also for each other.

Husbands and wives are the parents of the children that the Creator blessed them with. Brothers and sisters are the siblings of the child who was placed by Hashem into their family unit. Every family is a microcosm of the family we call Klal Yisrael. Our “Parent” is the Ribono shel Olam — He cares for us and attends to us as both Father and Mother. He loves every one of us, and each of His children is so very precious in His Eyes. He loves us for who we are, despite our faults or disabilities in serving Him. He is always hopeful and confident that we will improve and return to Him. When we do return, we are promised that, just as when we stood at Har Sinai, once again there will be no infirmity or disability in Klal Yisrael — may it happen speedily in our days!

True Faith Faculty Dvar Torah by Rena Coren

True Faith

Faculty Dvar Torah by Rena Coren

Rav Yaakov Naiman (Darchei Mussar, Moadim) makes a fascinating observation on the passuk:

"Vayomer Par'oh el Yosef acharei hodeeya Elokim otcha et kol zot, ein navon ve'chacham kamocha" (Breishit 41,39).

It's interesting to note that the Pharoah in the days of Yosef, upon hearing the interpretation of his troubling dreams, immediately believes in the word of G-d. This is in spite of being the scion of a society which was entrenched in idolatry. In stark contrast, the Pharoah in the days of Moshe who despite being witness to outright miracles and signs, belligerently states "Who is Hashem that I should listen to him?" Why the blatant discrepancy?

Rav Naiman answers that the Pharoah in the days of Yosef hears an interpretation that is pleasing to him and in his best interest; that while the rest of the world would face starvation, he and his kingdom would be a wealthy super power. Pharoah very much wanted to believe this fortuitous tiding. In the days of Moshe however, the word of Hashem was not to Pharoah’s liking. There he was being asked to set free an entire nation that was enslaved to him and his empire would be sure to lose a lot of wealth and status. In that case, Pharoah did not want to believe and have to face the repercussions of that belief.
The attitude of these two Egyptian monarchs highlights for us the difference of what true emunah entails for a Jew. As Rav Hutner comments on Tehillim 92, “lihagid baboker chasdecha ve’emunatcha baleilot”- When things are clear to me (like the morning which is a time of light), when things are pleasant for me, I recognize the chessed in what Hashem does for me. Yet, even when things are hard for me and dark (like night time), I still believe in Hashem and follow in His path. A Jew’s faith in Hashem never wavers regardless of the time period in which he finds himself. He constantly is connected and working on the precious relationship that he has with his Creator, from a place of loyalty and belief.
Bezchut the emunah we have in joyous times and the little lights of faith that we ignite inside ourselves even the darkest times, may we be zoche to experience a time that will be only light, b'mheira beyameinu.
Shabbat Shalom!

Midei Shabbos by Rabbi Eliezer Chrysler - Parshas Miketz/Chanukah Supplement

Midei Shabbos by Rabbi Eliezer Chrysler - Parshas Miketz/Chanukah
Supplement

Vol. 19 No. 10
This issue is sponsored
in loving memory of
Harav Zalman Yosef ben Harav Aryeh Leib Sharfman z"l
whose seventh Yohrzeit is 22 Kislev
and
Harav Simcha ben Hachaver Moshe Hain z"l
whose fifteenth Yohrzeit is 6 Teves



Parshas Mikeitz
Two Time Frames
(Based on the Rosh & the Riva)
When did the two years mentioned at the beginning of the Parshah (which preceded Par'oh's dream) begin, asks the Rosh? It cannot have been from the time of the chief butler's dream, he explains, since Yosef spent many years in jail (and the Rosh is assuming that the episode with the butler and the baker took place immediately after his incarceration, as we shall explain shortly). Bear in mind that the episode with his master's wife took place soon after his arrival, as is implied in the Pasuk there (40:1) "Vay'hi achar ha'devorim ho'eileh" (And it transpired after these things [with reference to his sale to Potifera])" - since the word "achar" always means close in time.

To understand the author's question, let us see what the Riva writes in Parshas Vayeishev, on the Pasuk that he has just quoted ("Vay'hi achar ha'devorim ho'eileh … "). The Riva, citing Rashi, explains that the episode with the butler and the baker occurred to deflect the minds of the people from the false rumours that 'the wicked woman' was spreading about Yosef, as well as to bring about Yosef's salvation through them. The Riva explains that this conforms to the opinion (cited by Rashi in Parshas Lech-l'cho) that "Achar" always means close in time, as we already explained.

In other words, the episode with the butler and baker took place close to the date that Yosef was due to be set free, many years after his incarceration [though it is difficult to understand Rashi's first point - about stilling the rumours, which, one would have thought, had long been forgotten).

But according to the Seider Olam, which explains that Yosef's incarceration took place a mere year after his arrival, says the Riva, and that he spent twelve years in prison, the butler and baker must have joined him in jail towards the end of his incarceration, in which " … achar ha'devorim ho'eileh" means 'a long time afterwards', and "Acharei", close in time. And Rashi, he concludes, in a number of places, follows the earlier opinion (which is the opinion of the Medrash Rabah) in this matter.


*
Now we can understand the question posed by the Rosh. If, as he assumes (not like Rashi), Yosef was incarcerated after a year, and if, at the same time, we accept the principle that "Achar" always means a short time afterwards, the butler and the baker joined Yosef twelve years before Par'oh's dream How will we then understand the Pasuk which informs us that "Par'oh dreamt at the end of two years"? What do the two years signify?

And he gives a most unusual answer. He explains that the word "Mikeitz" can intrinsically apply to a ten-year period (as we find in Lech-l'cho [16:3]) Consequently, when the Torah writes "Mikeitz shenosayim yomim", it means two years after the initial ten-year period inherent in "Mikeitz".


* * *

Parshah Pearls
Having Children
in the Time of Famine
"And Yosef fathered two sons before the years of famine arrived" (41:3).

The Gemara in Ta'anis (11a) learns from here that marital relations is forbidden during a time of famine.

In that case, asks the Da'as Zekeinim mi'Ba'alei Tosfos, what right did Levi have to contravene that prohibition, seeing as his daughter Yocheved was born as they entered Egypt, during the second year of famine?

Some commentaries, he explains, cite the ruling that permits intimacy in a case where a couple have not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of having children. And they answer the question by connecting the dispute as to how one fulfils the Mitzvah of "P'ru u'revu". Levi followed the opinion that requires a boy and a girl (which incidentally is the Halachah). Consequently, since, when the famine began, he had only sons and no daughters, the prohibition did not pertain to him. Whereas Yosef concurred with those who say that one fulfils the Mitzvah with two boys, which he already had. So he refrained from marital relations.


*
The Chizkuni answers the question by pointing out that whereas, on the one hand, Yosef was bound by the prohibition out of sympathy towards his father and brothers, who, he naturally assumed were suffering on account of the famine; Levi, on the other hand, knew that his family had sufficient food on which to subsist, and saw no reason to desist from intimacy.


*

Jealousy
"And the gifts of Binyamin exceeded the gifts of the others five-fold" (43;34).

The Riva asks why, considering the terrible consequences of the special shirt that Ya'akov gave Yosef as an extra gift (the Gemara in Shabbos comments that because of the small amount of extra wool that Ya'akov gave Yosef, they all had to go down to Egypt) Yosef seemingly repeated his father's mistake by giving Binyamin that much more than the other brothers?

Citing ha'Rav Elyakim he answers that this was different, in that, having forced his brothers to bring Binyamin all the way from Cana'an, it was only natural for him to receive him kindly and to compensate with a gift.

Moreover, he says, seeing as it was his intention to reveal his identity in the immediate future; and once he did, they would attribute the extra gift to the fact that Binyamin was, after all, Yosef's maternal brother - and this cannot be compared to favouring one son over and above his siblings.

And this will also explain why in Parshas Vayigash, Yosef gave Binyamin three hundred pieces of silver and five new suits, whilst the other brothers he gave only one suit.


*
The Riva asks further how Ya'akov Avinu himself could later give Yosef an extra portion of land, as the Torah states in Vayechi?

And he explains that, seeing as Yosef was now a king, it was natural to honour him with extra gifts. Consequently, there was no reason to fear that this would elicit the jealousy of his brothers.


*

The Goblet & its Stand
"Is this not the one which my master uses to drink from?" (44:5).

The goblet was obviously not in front of them, asks the Riva, so how could Yosef tell Menasheh to use the word "this" (zeh), which, according to Chazal, always refers to something visible?

And he cites an answer that he heard, to the effect that Menasheh had brought with him the stand on which the goblet stood, and it was to that stand that he pointed as he spoke, as if to say "Is it not the goblet that sits on this stand from which my master drinks?"


*

Why Yosef Didn't Tell …
(Adapted from the Da'as Zekeinim mi'Ba'alei Tosfos)
The Da'as Zekeinim mi'Ba'alei Tosfos remarks on the fact that, in spite of the short distance that separated Yosef from his father and brothers (four or five days journey at most), for twenty-two years nobody from his family discovered where he was. This is even more remarkable considering the various episodes that highlighted Yosef's stay in Egypt and that must have made news throughout Egypt and beyond. One would have thought that the entire world was talking about this youthful slave, who became first a jail-bird and then viceroy, who had only just been sold from Cana'an, and who seemed to capture the headlines time and time again.

Furthermore, he asks, why did Yosef not inform his father of his whereabouts during all those years that he was separated him? And although he does not answer the first question, he offers three answers to the second one:

1. Yosef was included in the Cherem which the brothers placed on anybody who revealed his sale, incorporating even G-d, and even Yosef himself. Indeed, Yitzchak knew about the sale, and was afraid to reveal it to Ya'akov, because, he argued 'If G-d did not divulge the secret, then how could he divulge it', as Rashi informs us in Parshas Mikeitz.

2. Quoting others, he explains that Yosef did not want to reveal his identity as long as he was a slave or in prison, because this would have only increased his father's anguish. And even when he was king, he saw no point in informing him who he was, since he suspected that he would not believe him anyway, as we see when the brothers eventually informed Ya'akov that he was still alive and living in Egypt.

3. And finally, he explains, Yosef was afraid that, the moment he informed his father of his situation, his brothers would flee the scene, one to the north, one to the south … for fear that he would kill them. And this of course, would merely cause his father untold heart-ache (and perhaps even his demise).

Consequently, he decided that it was better to wait for his brothers to come to him (with a little push from him), and to first reveal his identity to them and to appease them, before sending a message that he was alive and viceroy of Egypt.


* * *


Vol. 19 No. 11
This issue is sponsored by
R' Moshe Rubin v'ra'isso
l'iluy Nishmos
Mordechai Meir Chaim ben Yaakov z"l
and
Sheva Gittel bas Levi z" l
\t.n.tz.v.h.


Chanukah Supplement
Subjugation & Salvation
(Adapted from the Mamleches Kohanim)
In order to force the Jews to forsake their religion and their G-d, the Greeks enacted a series of decrees to make life unbearable for them. First of these decrees was that anybody who was found to have a lock or a bolt on the door of his house would be put to death by the sword. This meant that they could neither eat nor sleep in peace, for fear of thieves entering their homes and stealing their food and their possessions. It meant that they could never leave their homes and it deprived them of all privacy and needless to say, intimacy was out of the question, as anyone could enter their houses at any time of day or night.

This decree, G-d informed them, was the result of their laxness with regard to the Mitzvah of Mezuzah, and it resulted in the fulfillment of the curse "and you will be afraid by night and by day".

The decree lasted three years, during which time the people remained loyal to G-d.


*
When the Greeks saw that their efforts had not borne fruit, they issued a new decree - that everybody should write on the horns of their oxen (the source of meat and milk, and inasmuch as it was their sole source of plowing, of the bulk of their food, as well as comprising their main source of travel) that he had no portion in the G-d of Yisrael! The reason for this decree, G-d informed them was on account of their failure a. to travel to Yerushalayim for the three Yamim-Tovim and to bring the relevant Korbanos, and b. to provide the Kohanim with the Matnos Kehunah. And that was why they now had to witness the fulfillment of the Pasuk "Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes".

Once again, the people's faith remained firm. Not willing to dishonor their G-d with such a declaration, they sold all their cattle. To reward them for their steadfastness, a spate of deer, rams and all kinds of Kasher birds, taking advantage of their open homes, entered in droves, providing them with a free and abundant supply of meat. Amazingly, it now transpired that the first decree worked on behalf of the people to alleviate the second decree - as a reward for their loyalty.


*
When the Greeks saw that they had still not reached their goal, they decreed no woman was permitted to Tovel in a Mikvah, and that any Greek who discovered a Jewish woman doing so was authorized to take her as a wife and her children as slaves. With heavy hearts the people continued to live with their wives claiming that no woman would agree to live with her husband in an ongoing state of celibacy. G-d understood, and because the people were acting against their express wishes, He performed another miracle, and a Mikvah suddenly appeared in every Jewish home, enabling the people to avoid this decree as well. Thus they experienced the Pasuk "And you shall draw water with joy from the fountains of salvation".


*
And when the Greeks realized that they were still not achieving their goal, they came up with the shocking idea that every Jewish bride was obligated to spend the first night after her marriage with the local Greek general. The Jews responded by simply not getting engaged. The young maidens were ready to become spinsters rather than having to live through such a disgusting and degrading experience. In this way they realized the Pasuk in Eichah "Her (Yerushalayim's) virgins were grief-stricken and she was embittered". Moreover, the Greeks then took to molesting and defiling the Jewish maidens.

This state of affairs continued for almost four years, until the wedding of Matisyahu, Kohen Gadol's daughter to a prominent member of the family. Following the wedding feast, as the bride was being led to the Greek general, she uncovered her hair and tore her clothes, deliberately exposing herself before the many wedding guests. When Yehudah ha fMaccabi and his brothers, angry over their sister fs brazen Chutzpah, ordered her to be taken out and burned, she retorted that if they were so concerned about her shame before her own people, why were they not equally concerned about her shame of being exposed to the Areil ve'Tamei to whom they were about to take her?


*
Aroused by the truth of the girl's words, Yehudah and his friends decided there and then to take action.

Dressing her in royal robes, they constructed a Chupah of myrtles, and, with musical accompaniment, they danced her to the general's palace. When he saw them approaching, he proudly pointed out to his officers and servants how even the leading Kohanim from the children of Aharon rejoiced at carrying out his commands. Meanwhile, Yehudah and his troop entered the general's palace together with their sister. Without a moment's hesitation, they severed the unsuspecting general's head, and destroyed his entire garrison, taking all the spoil they could find for themselves.

A Heavenly Voice, emanating from the Kodesh Kodshim was heard, corroborating their act.


*
It seems that this source maintains that the above act sparked off the Jewish rebellion, and served as the catalyst that caused the Emperor Antiochus to gather an army and march on Yerushalayim


* * *

Thoughts on Chanukah
(Adapted from the Mo fadim ba fHalachah)
The Menorah &
Eight Days of Chanukah

The Gemara in Rosh Hashanah (24b) prohibits making a replica of the Menorah of the Beis-Hamikdash. The Shulchan Aruch in Yorei De'ah cites this Gemara, adding 'even if it is made of other kinds of metal (besides gold) and even without the goblets, the knobs and the flowers'.

The Shach extrapolates from this that making a replica of gold is permitted without the patterned ornaments. And the reason, he explains, is because, unlike a Menorah made of other kinds of metal (which is Kasher even without the goblets, the knobs and the flowers), a Menorah made of gold is Pasul (in the Beis-Hamikdash) if they are missing.

The B'chor Shor, however, disagrees, forbidding even a Menorah of gold without the ornaments (despite the fact that the Menorah would be Pasul in the Beis-Hamikdash).


*
Incidentally, the Mo'adim ba'Halachah adds, R. Kook uses the basic prohibition (of constructing a replica of the Menorah) to answer the well-known Beis Yosef's Kashya, as to why, seeing as there was enough oil in the newly found crucible to burn for one night, the Chachamim instituted eight nights and not seven.

Had the Chachamim instituted seven days, he explains, that would have entailed using a Menorah of seven branches to perform the Mitzvah, and a seven-branch Menorah is forbidden.

According to the above Shach, one might ask, we could always have used a golden Menorah minus the goblets, the knobs and the flowers. That may well be; but since most people cannot afford a Menorah made of gold, the Chachamim declined to impose such a financial burden on them.


*

Chanukah on the Twenty-Fifth?
The question is asked as to why, if 'They rested on the twenty-fifth', in accordance with the acronym of Chanukah ('chonu "Chaf-Hey" '), the Chachamim did not fix Chanukah on the twenty-sixth, which would have been the first time that they kindled the Menorah after the great victory?

(See last year's edition, Parshas Mikeitz, page 1 'They rested on the twenty-fifth').

The Mo'adim ba'Halachah discusses the Machlokes between the Rambam and many other commentaries regarding the Mitzvah of 'Hatavos Neiros' that the Torah commands during the day, whether it comprises simply cleaning out the lights and preparing them (the commentaries) or lighting them as an extension of lighting them in the evening (the Rambam).

Citing the Gadol from Minsk, he now explains that according to the Rambam, the above question is automatically answered, seeing as they lit the first time on the actual day of the twenty-fifth.

Incidentally, the author answers the apparent contradiction between the Pasuk of Hatavas Neiros (by day) and the Pasuk of Hadlakas Neiros (in the evening) - (according to the Rambam). The latter, he explains, pertains to the Ner Ma faravi (the second lamp, which they were forbidden to extinguish during the day), whereas the former pertains to the other lamps, which the Kohen would extinguish before re-kindling them during the day.

The problem with this, however, is why the Torah then writes (in connection with the latter) gWhen you kindle the lamps (es ha fNeiros h) in the plural, seeing as the Mitzvah entailed lighting only one lamp?


*

Which Comes First?
The Poskim argue over which comes first, Ner Shabbos or Ner Chanukah. On the one hand, Ner Shabbos ought to take precedence, based on the principle, eTodir ve fshe fEino Todir, Todir Kodem f (i.e. Shabbos lights are more common that Chanukah lights). Nor is there any problem regarding breaking Shabbos, since lighting the Shabbos lights does not constitute Kabolas Shabbos. Others however, maintain that lighting the Shabbos lights does constitute Kabolas Shabbos, in which case, the Chanukah lights must be lit first - and this is the opinion cites le fHalachah in the Shulchan Aruch.

Interestingly, the same two opinions exist with regard to Havdalah and Ner Chanukah (though the reasoning is slightly different). Again, some say that Havdalah comes first, and they base their argument on the principle, 'Todir ve'she'Eino Todir, Todir Kodem'; whereas others give preference to Ner Chanukah, because of a. 'Pirsumei Nisa' (publicizing the miracle - which is seems, is not an issue when it comes to Ner Shabbos - and by postponing the termination of Shabbos for as long as possible.

In most communities, the Minhag is to make Havdalah first at home, but to light Ner Chanukah first in Shul. Midei Shabbos by Rabbi Eliezer Chrysler - Parshas Miketz/Chanukah
Supplement

Vol. 19 No. 10
This issue is sponsored
in loving memory of
Harav Zalman Yosef ben Harav Aryeh Leib Sharfman z"l
whose seventh Yohrzeit is 22 Kislev
and
Harav Simcha ben Hachaver Moshe Hain z"l
whose fifteenth Yohrzeit is 6 Teves



Parshas Mikeitz
Two Time Frames
(Based on the Rosh & the Riva)
When did the two years mentioned at the beginning of the Parshah (which preceded Par'oh's dream) begin, asks the Rosh? It cannot have been from the time of the chief butler's dream, he explains, since Yosef spent many years in jail (and the Rosh is assuming that the episode with the butler and the baker took place immediately after his incarceration, as we shall explain shortly). Bear in mind that the episode with his master's wife took place soon after his arrival, as is implied in the Pasuk there (40:1) "Vay'hi achar ha'devorim ho'eileh" (And it transpired after these things [with reference to his sale to Potifera])" - since the word "achar" always means close in time.

To understand the author's question, let us see what the Riva writes in Parshas Vayeishev, on the Pasuk that he has just quoted ("Vay'hi achar ha'devorim ho'eileh … "). The Riva, citing Rashi, explains that the episode with the butler and the baker occurred to deflect the minds of the people from the false rumours that 'the wicked woman' was spreading about Yosef, as well as to bring about Yosef's salvation through them. The Riva explains that this conforms to the opinion (cited by Rashi in Parshas Lech-l'cho) that "Achar" always means close in time, as we already explained.

In other words, the episode with the butler and baker took place close to the date that Yosef was due to be set free, many years after his incarceration [though it is difficult to understand Rashi's first point - about stilling the rumours, which, one would have thought, had long been forgotten).

But according to the Seider Olam, which explains that Yosef's incarceration took place a mere year after his arrival, says the Riva, and that he spent twelve years in prison, the butler and baker must have joined him in jail towards the end of his incarceration, in which " … achar ha'devorim ho'eileh" means 'a long time afterwards', and "Acharei", close in time. And Rashi, he concludes, in a number of places, follows the earlier opinion (which is the opinion of the Medrash Rabah) in this matter.


*
Now we can understand the question posed by the Rosh. If, as he assumes (not like Rashi), Yosef was incarcerated after a year, and if, at the same time, we accept the principle that "Achar" always means a short time afterwards, the butler and the baker joined Yosef twelve years before Par'oh's dream How will we then understand the Pasuk which informs us that "Par'oh dreamt at the end of two years"? What do the two years signify?

And he gives a most unusual answer. He explains that the word "Mikeitz" can intrinsically apply to a ten-year period (as we find in Lech-l'cho [16:3]) Consequently, when the Torah writes "Mikeitz shenosayim yomim", it means two years after the initial ten-year period inherent in "Mikeitz".


* * *

Parshah Pearls
Having Children
in the Time of Famine
"And Yosef fathered two sons before the years of famine arrived" (41:3).

The Gemara in Ta'anis (11a) learns from here that marital relations is forbidden during a time of famine.

In that case, asks the Da'as Zekeinim mi'Ba'alei Tosfos, what right did Levi have to contravene that prohibition, seeing as his daughter Yocheved was born as they entered Egypt, during the second year of famine?

Some commentaries, he explains, cite the ruling that permits intimacy in a case where a couple have not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of having children. And they answer the question by connecting the dispute as to how one fulfils the Mitzvah of "P'ru u'revu". Levi followed the opinion that requires a boy and a girl (which incidentally is the Halachah). Consequently, since, when the famine began, he had only sons and no daughters, the prohibition did not pertain to him. Whereas Yosef concurred with those who say that one fulfils the Mitzvah with two boys, which he already had. So he refrained from marital relations.


*
The Chizkuni answers the question by pointing out that whereas, on the one hand, Yosef was bound by the prohibition out of sympathy towards his father and brothers, who, he naturally assumed were suffering on account of the famine; Levi, on the other hand, knew that his family had sufficient food on which to subsist, and saw no reason to desist from intimacy.


*

Jealousy
"And the gifts of Binyamin exceeded the gifts of the others five-fold" (43;34).

The Riva asks why, considering the terrible consequences of the special shirt that Ya'akov gave Yosef as an extra gift (the Gemara in Shabbos comments that because of the small amount of extra wool that Ya'akov gave Yosef, they all had to go down to Egypt) Yosef seemingly repeated his father's mistake by giving Binyamin that much more than the other brothers?

Citing ha'Rav Elyakim he answers that this was different, in that, having forced his brothers to bring Binyamin all the way from Cana'an, it was only natural for him to receive him kindly and to compensate with a gift.

Moreover, he says, seeing as it was his intention to reveal his identity in the immediate future; and once he did, they would attribute the extra gift to the fact that Binyamin was, after all, Yosef's maternal brother - and this cannot be compared to favouring one son over and above his siblings.

And this will also explain why in Parshas Vayigash, Yosef gave Binyamin three hundred pieces of silver and five new suits, whilst the other brothers he gave only one suit.


*
The Riva asks further how Ya'akov Avinu himself could later give Yosef an extra portion of land, as the Torah states in Vayechi?

And he explains that, seeing as Yosef was now a king, it was natural to honour him with extra gifts. Consequently, there was no reason to fear that this would elicit the jealousy of his brothers.


*

The Goblet & its Stand
"Is this not the one which my master uses to drink from?" (44:5).

The goblet was obviously not in front of them, asks the Riva, so how could Yosef tell Menasheh to use the word "this" (zeh), which, according to Chazal, always refers to something visible?

And he cites an answer that he heard, to the effect that Menasheh had brought with him the stand on which the goblet stood, and it was to that stand that he pointed as he spoke, as if to say "Is it not the goblet that sits on this stand from which my master drinks?"


*

Why Yosef Didn't Tell …
(Adapted from the Da'as Zekeinim mi'Ba'alei Tosfos)
The Da'as Zekeinim mi'Ba'alei Tosfos remarks on the fact that, in spite of the short distance that separated Yosef from his father and brothers (four or five days journey at most), for twenty-two years nobody from his family discovered where he was. This is even more remarkable considering the various episodes that highlighted Yosef's stay in Egypt and that must have made news throughout Egypt and beyond. One would have thought that the entire world was talking about this youthful slave, who became first a jail-bird and then viceroy, who had only just been sold from Cana'an, and who seemed to capture the headlines time and time again.

Furthermore, he asks, why did Yosef not inform his father of his whereabouts during all those years that he was separated him? And although he does not answer the first question, he offers three answers to the second one:

1. Yosef was included in the Cherem which the brothers placed on anybody who revealed his sale, incorporating even G-d, and even Yosef himself. Indeed, Yitzchak knew about the sale, and was afraid to reveal it to Ya'akov, because, he argued 'If G-d did not divulge the secret, then how could he divulge it', as Rashi informs us in Parshas Mikeitz.

2. Quoting others, he explains that Yosef did not want to reveal his identity as long as he was a slave or in prison, because this would have only increased his father's anguish. And even when he was king, he saw no point in informing him who he was, since he suspected that he would not believe him anyway, as we see when the brothers eventually informed Ya'akov that he was still alive and living in Egypt.

3. And finally, he explains, Yosef was afraid that, the moment he informed his father of his situation, his brothers would flee the scene, one to the north, one to the south … for fear that he would kill them. And this of course, would merely cause his father untold heart-ache (and perhaps even his demise).

Consequently, he decided that it was better to wait for his brothers to come to him (with a little push from him), and to first reveal his identity to them and to appease them, before sending a message that he was alive and viceroy of Egypt.


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Vol. 19 No. 11
This issue is sponsored by
R' Moshe Rubin v'ra'isso
l'iluy Nishmos
Mordechai Meir Chaim ben Yaakov z"l
and
Sheva Gittel bas Levi z" l
\t.n.tz.v.h.


Chanukah Supplement
Subjugation & Salvation
(Adapted from the Mamleches Kohanim)
In order to force the Jews to forsake their religion and their G-d, the Greeks enacted a series of decrees to make life unbearable for them. First of these decrees was that anybody who was found to have a lock or a bolt on the door of his house would be put to death by the sword. This meant that they could neither eat nor sleep in peace, for fear of thieves entering their homes and stealing their food and their possessions. It meant that they could never leave their homes and it deprived them of all privacy and needless to say, intimacy was out of the question, as anyone could enter their houses at any time of day or night.

This decree, G-d informed them, was the result of their laxness with regard to the Mitzvah of Mezuzah, and it resulted in the fulfillment of the curse "and you will be afraid by night and by day".

The decree lasted three years, during which time the people remained loyal to G-d.


*
When the Greeks saw that their efforts had not borne fruit, they issued a new decree - that everybody should write on the horns of their oxen (the source of meat and milk, and inasmuch as it was their sole source of plowing, of the bulk of their food, as well as comprising their main source of travel) that he had no portion in the G-d of Yisrael! The reason for this decree, G-d informed them was on account of their failure a. to travel to Yerushalayim for the three Yamim-Tovim and to bring the relevant Korbanos, and b. to provide the Kohanim with the Matnos Kehunah. And that was why they now had to witness the fulfillment of the Pasuk "Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes".

Once again, the people's faith remained firm. Not willing to dishonor their G-d with such a declaration, they sold all their cattle. To reward them for their steadfastness, a spate of deer, rams and all kinds of Kasher birds, taking advantage of their open homes, entered in droves, providing them with a free and abundant supply of meat. Amazingly, it now transpired that the first decree worked on behalf of the people to alleviate the second decree - as a reward for their loyalty.


*
When the Greeks saw that they had still not reached their goal, they decreed no woman was permitted to Tovel in a Mikvah, and that any Greek who discovered a Jewish woman doing so was authorized to take her as a wife and her children as slaves. With heavy hearts the people continued to live with their wives claiming that no woman would agree to live with her husband in an ongoing state of celibacy. G-d understood, and because the people were acting against their express wishes, He performed another miracle, and a Mikvah suddenly appeared in every Jewish home, enabling the people to avoid this decree as well. Thus they experienced the Pasuk "And you shall draw water with joy from the fountains of salvation".


*
And when the Greeks realized that they were still not achieving their goal, they came up with the shocking idea that every Jewish bride was obligated to spend the first night after her marriage with the local Greek general. The Jews responded by simply not getting engaged. The young maidens were ready to become spinsters rather than having to live through such a disgusting and degrading experience. In this way they realized the Pasuk in Eichah "Her (Yerushalayim's) virgins were grief-stricken and she was embittered". Moreover, the Greeks then took to molesting and defiling the Jewish maidens.

This state of affairs continued for almost four years, until the wedding of Matisyahu, Kohen Gadol's daughter to a prominent member of the family. Following the wedding feast, as the bride was being led to the Greek general, she uncovered her hair and tore her clothes, deliberately exposing herself before the many wedding guests. When Yehudah ha fMaccabi and his brothers, angry over their sister fs brazen Chutzpah, ordered her to be taken out and burned, she retorted that if they were so concerned about her shame before her own people, why were they not equally concerned about her shame of being exposed to the Areil ve'Tamei to whom they were about to take her?


*
Aroused by the truth of the girl's words, Yehudah and his friends decided there and then to take action.

Dressing her in royal robes, they constructed a Chupah of myrtles, and, with musical accompaniment, they danced her to the general's palace. When he saw them approaching, he proudly pointed out to his officers and servants how even the leading Kohanim from the children of Aharon rejoiced at carrying out his commands. Meanwhile, Yehudah and his troop entered the general's palace together with their sister. Without a moment's hesitation, they severed the unsuspecting general's head, and destroyed his entire garrison, taking all the spoil they could find for themselves.

A Heavenly Voice, emanating from the Kodesh Kodshim was heard, corroborating their act.


*
It seems that this source maintains that the above act sparked off the Jewish rebellion, and served as the catalyst that caused the Emperor Antiochus to gather an army and march on Yerushalayim


* * *

Thoughts on Chanukah
(Adapted from the Mo fadim ba fHalachah)
The Menorah &
Eight Days of Chanukah

The Gemara in Rosh Hashanah (24b) prohibits making a replica of the Menorah of the Beis-Hamikdash. The Shulchan Aruch in Yorei De'ah cites this Gemara, adding 'even if it is made of other kinds of metal (besides gold) and even without the goblets, the knobs and the flowers'.

The Shach extrapolates from this that making a replica of gold is permitted without the patterned ornaments. And the reason, he explains, is because, unlike a Menorah made of other kinds of metal (which is Kasher even without the goblets, the knobs and the flowers), a Menorah made of gold is Pasul (in the Beis-Hamikdash) if they are missing.

The B'chor Shor, however, disagrees, forbidding even a Menorah of gold without the ornaments (despite the fact that the Menorah would be Pasul in the Beis-Hamikdash).


*
Incidentally, the Mo'adim ba'Halachah adds, R. Kook uses the basic prohibition (of constructing a replica of the Menorah) to answer the well-known Beis Yosef's Kashya, as to why, seeing as there was enough oil in the newly found crucible to burn for one night, the Chachamim instituted eight nights and not seven.

Had the Chachamim instituted seven days, he explains, that would have entailed using a Menorah of seven branches to perform the Mitzvah, and a seven-branch Menorah is forbidden.

According to the above Shach, one might ask, we could always have used a golden Menorah minus the goblets, the knobs and the flowers. That may well be; but since most people cannot afford a Menorah made of gold, the Chachamim declined to impose such a financial burden on them.


*

Chanukah on the Twenty-Fifth?
The question is asked as to why, if 'They rested on the twenty-fifth', in accordance with the acronym of Chanukah ('chonu "Chaf-Hey" '), the Chachamim did not fix Chanukah on the twenty-sixth, which would have been the first time that they kindled the Menorah after the great victory?

(See last year's edition, Parshas Mikeitz, page 1 'They rested on the twenty-fifth').

The Mo'adim ba'Halachah discusses the Machlokes between the Rambam and many other commentaries regarding the Mitzvah of 'Hatavos Neiros' that the Torah commands during the day, whether it comprises simply cleaning out the lights and preparing them (the commentaries) or lighting them as an extension of lighting them in the evening (the Rambam).

Citing the Gadol from Minsk, he now explains that according to the Rambam, the above question is automatically answered, seeing as they lit the first time on the actual day of the twenty-fifth.

Incidentally, the author answers the apparent contradiction between the Pasuk of Hatavas Neiros (by day) and the Pasuk of Hadlakas Neiros (in the evening) - (according to the Rambam). The latter, he explains, pertains to the Ner Ma faravi (the second lamp, which they were forbidden to extinguish during the day), whereas the former pertains to the other lamps, which the Kohen would extinguish before re-kindling them during the day.

The problem with this, however, is why the Torah then writes (in connection with the latter) gWhen you kindle the lamps (es ha fNeiros h) in the plural, seeing as the Mitzvah entailed lighting only one lamp?


*

Which Comes First?
The Poskim argue over which comes first, Ner Shabbos or Ner Chanukah. On the one hand, Ner Shabbos ought to take precedence, based on the principle, eTodir ve fshe fEino Todir, Todir Kodem f (i.e. Shabbos lights are more common that Chanukah lights). Nor is there any problem regarding breaking Shabbos, since lighting the Shabbos lights does not constitute Kabolas Shabbos. Others however, maintain that lighting the Shabbos lights does constitute Kabolas Shabbos, in which case, the Chanukah lights must be lit first - and this is the opinion cites le fHalachah in the Shulchan Aruch.

Interestingly, the same two opinions exist with regard to Havdalah and Ner Chanukah (though the reasoning is slightly different). Again, some say that Havdalah comes first, and they base their argument on the principle, 'Todir ve'she'Eino Todir, Todir Kodem'; whereas others give preference to Ner Chanukah, because of a. 'Pirsumei Nisa' (publicizing the miracle - which is seems, is not an issue when it comes to Ner Shabbos - and by postponing the termination of Shabbos for as long as possible.

In most communities, the Minhag is to make Havdalah first at home, but to light Ner Chanukah first in Shul.

A Lesson From The Dubno Maggid

Dubno Magid - When a Country Bumpkin Saw Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel Ztz"l Suffer

A villager made his first ever trip to the big city. He was amazed by the sights and sounds. The sensory overload was like nothing he had ever experienced in his life. Suddenly he found himself facing the storefront of the King's tailor. He was amazed by the rolls of exquisite fabric and the artistic colorful patterns. As he stood admiring, the tailor took a roll of material and spread it out on his work table. He took a pair of scissors and was about to begin cutting. The villager could not control himself and he burst into the store and forcibly stopped the tailor from cutting the material. "How can you destroy such a magnificent piece of fabric?" screamed the villager. "Fool", said the tailor. "Now it is just a useless piece of fabric. When I finish cutting it, the King will grace himself with it at his next banquet." Sometimes when we see a great Tzaddik suffering, says the Dubno Magid, we question how can Hashem make such a special human being suffer? This is a question of someone who doesn't understand anything. If only we understood that Hashem is shaping him into something far beyond the beauty he already possesses, we wouldn't question. How appropriate this message during the Shiva for Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel Ztvk"l. Anyone who saw even a glimpse of his suffering and knew the tip of the iceberg of what he accomplished, was left an indelible impression that he would marvel at for the rest of his life. He was truly an inspiration to all of us. No one ever asked how this tzaddik could suffer so much. He was more than a fine silk. He was a garment for the king that was easily recognized by anyone. special thanks to rebecca lazrous for sending this to me.

"A RUDE AWAKENING"

by Rav Dovid Goldwasser

"A RUDE AWAKENING"

“And Hashem tested Avraham (Beraishis 22:1)

The Mishnah in Avos (5:3) teaches us, “Our forefather Avraham was tested with ten trials, and he withstood them all.”

The Chofetz Chaim explains that by withstanding all these nisyonos Avraham Avinu was able to reach a very elevated spiritual level, and Hashem called him “ohavi – the one I love.”

We find that Yosef HaTzaddik, too, merited to achieve greatness and rose to the throne after enduring the nisayon of Potifar’s wife. The Zohar notes (Medrash Hane’elam) that it was because Yosef did not succumb to his Evil Inclination, as it says that kingship dwells upon one who conquers his yetzer. He cites R’ Acha that the yetzer hora was specifically created by Hashem in order to test mankind.

The Chofetz Chaim discusses the Yalkut on the pasuk in Shoftim (3:1), “These are the nations that Hashem let remain, to test Bnai Yisroel through them … to know whether they would listen to the commandments of Hashem.”

That being so, why was Yosef HaTzaddik tested through the wife of Potifar? The medrash tells us that it was a punishment middah keneged middah, measure for measure, because he had accused his brothers in matters of morality.

The Vilna Gaon maintained that were it not for yesurim we wouldn’t find our hands and feet on the day of judgment. The pasuk says (Tehillim 32:10), “Many are the agonies of the wicked, but one who trusts in Hashem, kindness surrounds him.” He notes that the evil person must endure his yesurim in pain, and he cries out. One who trusts in Hashem merits a special kindness and the yesurim are enveloped with chesed so he is able to tolerate his yesurim. This is comparable to the bitter medicines that were the only available cure for stomach illnesses. The ill person would cry out, but he would tolerate its unpleasant taste so that he could be cured. Nowadays, however, the bitter drug is put into a capsule and one is not subjected to its acrid flavor.

In the times of the Vilna Gaon there was a great tzaddik, R’ Saadiah. He once gave a discourse on the topic of gehennom. He noted that all the facts that are mentioned in the Raishis Chachma about gehennom are accurate, and he elaborated on the awesome punishment of gehennom.

A Yid who lived in town became ill when he heard this. He went to the Vilna Gaon to ask what he could do. The Vilna Gaon told him that indeed everything R’ Saadiah had said was true, but it is only applicable to one who has never suffered yesurim in this world.

The Chofetz Chaim would say that one needs to be made of iron in this world. If he is like a door that swings back and forth there is no solidity and nothing can be created from him.

Rav Shach notes that people often erroneously believe that it’s only when their life is difficult that they are being tested. In fact, the yetzer is always challenging a person and trying to lead him astray. A person who is vigilant and aware that there are always nisyonos – during both tranquil and troublesome periods – will be successful in not succumbing to a nisayon.

This is derived from the Talmud (Eruvin 19a) that states, “R’ Yirmiyah ben Elazar stated: Gehennom has three gates, one in the wilderness, one in the sea, and one in Yerushalayim.”

Rav Shach explains that a person often attributes his inability to withstand a nisayon to the influences of his environment. If his personal situation, his location, or his surroundings were different, he asserts, then his nisayon would not be so challenging. In actuality R’ Yirmiyah is telling us otherwise, says Rav Shach. The three gates to gehennom identified in the Talmud represent places where one would think there is no possibility of the yetzer being in control. The sea and the desert are far removed from everyday life, deserted and desolate. Yerushalayim, on the other hand, is the holiest place on earth and yet, the Talmud tells us, a person can succumb to his yetzer hora. Ultimately, each of us makes a personal choice whether we will grow spiritually and defeat our yetzer hora, or fail and face the gates of gehennom.

After selling his wares in the marketplace, a merchant made arrangements for his return trip home with a wagon driver. Before they set out he informed the driver that he was extremely tired, had enjoyed a heavy meal with some drink and would probably fall asleep during the journey. “Make sure that you remain awake to guide the horses,” he instructed the driver.

“You have nothing to worry about,” responded the driver. “I’ve been doing this for a very long time.”

They set out, and the passenger soon fell asleep. The driver, who had also eaten and had something to drink, found that he was having difficulty remaining awake, and before long, he too fell asleep. When the horse felt that the reins had loosened, he took off. Riding recklessly, the wagon toppled into a ditch and turned over in the mud.

The merchant was highly upset and began to shout, “I told you not to fall asleep while on the road. Now look what has happened!”

The wagon driver responded, “Why are you angry at me? At first I held the reins tightly but I saw the horse is intelligent and is familiar with the road.”

The merchant roared with laughter. “An intelligent horse? A horse is a horse. If you don’t mind your horse it will run away.”

Similarly, says the Chofetz Chaim, a person has a body and a soul, a guf and a neshamah. The neshamah derives its enjoyment from mitzvos and maasim tovim, while the guf seeks to enjoy the worldly pleasures. A person is obligated to rein in the inclinations of the guf so his person does not stray from the derech hayashar (the proper path).

Flying on Course

-mishpacha magazine-
Flying on Course

Rebbetzin Aviva Feiner | Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The first relationship a person experiences in this world is that between parent and child. We are taught that one of the primary values of this relationship is its parallel to our relationship with Hashem. The pain and triumphs we feel so tangibly as parents are mere shadows of what Hashem feels with Klal Yisrael’s failures and successes.

Divinely Designed

Rav Hutner teaches a fascinating point in discussing the halachos of kibud av v’eim. The parent-child relationship is divinely designed so that a parent perceives each child as an extension of himself both physically and spiritually. This defines his tafkid in parenting.

It becomes confusing, therefore, when parents are faced with children who are so different from themselves. Yet we must believe that in making this match Hashem knew all the trials and treasures entailed in this relationship. A relative of a well-known rav related that when she was struggling with one of her children, the rav gave her chizuk by telling her, “Children were not given to us for nachas; they were given to us for avodas Hashem.”

When Expectations aren’t Met

It’s Friday evening. A Jewish mother stands before her candles, her lips moving silently, her body swaying with intense concentration. She whispers the heartfelt tefillah, “Let me merit to raise children … who love Hashem and fear Him, holy children …” Many a tear has been shed by mothers whose children are not fulfilling the hopes expressed in this tefillah.

What do we do when our children aren’t following a path of Torah? Or, more accurately, what do we think?

Much has been written in recent years on this painful issue. Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita often relates how thankful he is that he was not born into today’s generation of young people, for whom the temptations and lures of the secular world are literally “at their fingertips.”

No parent can possibly assume that her children are going through “exactly” what she went through growing up. The world of chinuch is constantly striving to meet the ever-changing needs of Klal Yisrael’s children. The needs of parents are also shifting, as they try to stay sane in the whirlwind of fulfilling ever-growing demands.

Parents must fortify themselves with the knowledge that if Hashem deemed them fit to care for the neshamah of their child, then they have the kochos needed to actualize their child’s potential. Chazal teach us (Niddah 30b) that there are three partners in the creation of every child, and we must remind ourselves that the Ribono shel Olam does not “drop out” kaviyachol once the child is created.

The Gemara (Moed Katan 28a) teaches us the concept of “banim b’mazel talia milsa” (literally, children are dependent on one’s mazel). Mazel refers to the way a constellation above directly impacts the life of the person born “under” it. We also know that “ein mazel l’Yisrael” (Shabbos 156a) —Jews do not live life determined by the Zodiac. How do we reconcile this seeming contradiction?

The Rishonim teach us that, yes, a person is born under a “mazel” and so has certain tendencies and predilections; this is evident in most children from a very young age. But we are not “trapped” by our natures; this would completely undermine our basic fundamental faith in free will. Rather, a person is born with both positive and negative attributes that affect his personality, and they must be honed and cultivated.

It is the parents’ job to sense the needs of each child’s nature as he develops — or in the words of Rav Wolbe, “to plant and build” the neshamos with which they have been entrusted. Parents were given this responsibility by Hashem. Yet every child will eventually become an adult with his own free will. We can only hope that the chinuch he receives growing up will guide that free will — but it is certainly no guarantee.

The Secret of Success

From the moment a child is conceived, its future is uncertain. Yet, from the moment a mother is aware of her unborn child, she does not cease praying for its welfare.

What will impact the baby who emerges? Are children born with a fixed destiny? Are we at the mercy of “banim b’mazel talia milsa” — the concept mentioned in the Gemara that Rivkah faced while her sons were yet in the yeshivah of the womb? We see that banim are also dependent on tefillah; the fate of our offspring can be directly affected by the power of our prayers, as in the example of Chanah. Batsheva, the mother of Shlomo, showed us a third factor — that children will flourish and develop with the proper dose of “mussar avicha” and “Toras imecha.”

So what’s the winning formula? Can parents guarantee their children’s outcomes?

While there are no guarantees, parenting with the correct balance of tefillah, Torah, and mussar is the only means by which we can hope to fulfill Hashem’s purpose in entrusting us with our children. This is not an easy mission, and each of these tools comes with its own challenges:

• Tefillah — We cannot rely on davening alone to solve all our children’s problems. We also have to explore every avenue of hishtadlus, with every step accompanied by heartfelt prayer.
• Torah — We are obligated to teach our children Torah and mitzvos. However, we must take care that our chinuch is not guided by a zealotry that will cause a child to resent our lifestyle.
• Mussar — As the ones entrusted with developing the middos of our children, we must judiciously use rebuke as a tool to put our children back on track, taking care not to push them off course.

A Degree in Parenting

Many remark on the irony of how our education system reinforces and guides us in so many areas of life, yet we are thrown into parenting without graduating any course or getting any degree. We have to learn on the job, making it imperative for all of us to constantly question, scrutinize, and fortify our parenting skills and strategies.

We are blessed today with many great audio shiurim and seforim to help parents with their awesome task. However, situations that mandate careful thought and calculation require the guidance of someone familiar with the family. The parent who approaches a rebbi, rebbetzin, or therapist for hadrachah should therefore never view himself as a weak parent — rather, as a parent with courage.

Rabbi Raphael Pelcovitz shlita, on whose pulpit my husband is now privileged to stand, relates the following lesson: One must hold his child in his hand as if he were a baby bird. If he clenches his hand shut, tight as a fist, it will crush the bird; if he opens his hand wide, the bird will fly away before it is able to navigate the world.

The baby bird must be held delicately to allow it to look at the world, flutter its wings, and take its first steps within the safe and secure confines of the hand. Eventually the bird will fly on its own. We hope and pray that it will follow a course based on the skills and caution it learned in the safe embrace of its loving parent.

“I remember the chesed of your youth,” Hashem tells us in the haftarah of Parshas Matos (Yirmiyah 2:2), “how you went after Me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown.” Klal Yisrael has strayed many times from the pure faith of our youth. Sometimes the bird flies off course. Yet just as Hashem persists in loving us, parents must always persist in loving their child. And we must remember that every bird can always find its way back home....

Parents must feel confident in knowing that the child they once cradled has benefited from all of their tireless efforts and heartfelt tefillos. It may not be appreciated and may not be readily evident — but as with any investment, it is impossible to know when the dividends will be reaped.

Just as the Ribono shel Olam refuses to forsake His hope for His children’s return, no parent should ever forsake hope. While awaiting that return, the Ribono shel Olam knows that every person is the master of his own free will. Parents are responsible to provide their child with the best opportunities to make positive choices, but ultimately their child will develop into an adult who chooses his own responses to life.

As we read on Tisha B’Av, let us “search and examine our ways and return to Hashem” (Eichah 3:40). Hopefully, we will soon we join our Father in Heaven in seeing the fulfillment of all children returning home, to the place where they belong. “V’shavu banim ligvulam.”

Separate Corners, Same Room

-mishpacha magazine-
Separate Corners, Same Room

Rebbetzin Aviva Feiner | Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Sheva brachos is an exciting time for a chassan and kallah. As they dress up for each celebration, they anticipate an evening of praise, divrei Torah, and many heartfelt brachos for their future. The theme of these brachos reflects the hopes of all Jewish couples as they embark on a new life together.

The wishes of shalom bayis, and growth in Torah and avodas Hashem often allude to the expectation of an imminent future generation. The chassan and kallah receive these brachos smiling, albeit a trifle nervously. They are clearly aware that they are embarking on a very uncertain future.

The beautiful sheva brachos recited under the chuppah, and subsequently for seven days, are laden with poignant meaning. The brachah of “Yotzer haadam” celebrates the Creator of man Who formed from Adam a “binyan adei ad,” an eternal building. This “building” refers to Chavah as the ultimate realization of Adam’s potential to ensure his continuity.

The challenge of infertility is one that touches both husband and wife. Their expectation was to become that “eternal building.” Infertility is a primary paradigm to teach us a valuable lesson. While having children creates a corporeal testimony to the unity of husband and wife, as well as an eternal contribution to netzach Yisrael, there is a much greater unity in marriage to be achieved.

Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, ztz”l, points out that there are two very different illustrations of the creation of Adam and Chavah in Parshas Bereishis. In perek alef, we find a terse description of the creation of Adam: Adam is created in the Image of Hashem, male and female, and is commanded to “be fruitful and multiply!”

In perek beis, we find a much more intimate glimpse: The Torah describes the yearning of Adam for a mate, the deep sleep that overcomes him, and his exhilaration when finally meeting his eizer k’negdo. In this depiction, the Torah does not call the two “male and female,” but rather, “Ish” and “Ishah.” They become one with a connection that remains unparalleled in any relationship other than the one after which it was modeled — Yisrael and Hashem.

There is no mention of progeny in this context of closeness. It seems that this relationship is one that remains independent of the function of male and female to populate the world. This is a connection of commitment, trust, and friendship cemented by a common spiritual goal.

Any couple experiencing infertility must realize that although they are being challenged, they are also being offered a rare opportunity to achieve this spiritual connection. And, as with any challenge, infertility is either going to bring husband and wife closer or further apart. What is unique about this challenge is that it continuously tests the core of the expectations that a couple naturally brings into marriage.

When a childless Chanah cried to her husband Elkanah, he responded to her in a most gallant and sensitive fashion: “You are better for me than ten children.” One could argue that because Elkanah already had children with his other wife, Peninah, this was an easy statement for him to make. In truth, Elkanah was telling Chanah: “My marriage to you is so valuable to my spiritual course in life that it surpasses the spiritual potential that ten children would give me!”

In any situation of suffering, it is natural for a person to retreat into a bubble of protective security. When the suffering is affecting a couple, it will manifest itself differently in the experience of each individual. It takes tremendous strength of commitment for each spouse to be able to reach out of his own cocoon and react to the other’s pain. This strength is what will build a marriage rich in closeness and fulfillment, despite an otherwise painful situation. In a close marriage, the pain each spouse experiences only intensifies the pain of the other. Together, however, they can each be a source of comfort and strength to one another.

It is crucial for a couple to capitalize on the period of infertility and enjoy and maximize their time together. A recent Family First column by Sarah Chana Radcliffe emphasized the importance of every married couple continuing to date each other. The additional stresses that come along with medical intervention in the most personal aspects of a couple’s life place an even greater emphasis on the need for quality time that will allow a relationship to blossom and grow.

Another one of the sheva brachos refers to the chassan and kallah as “rei’im haahuvim,” friends who love one another. Love and friendship take effort and creativity. The following is a prescription to foster these feelings:

1) Protected time alone that is focused on enjoying one another’s company (all phones off).

2) Discussion of stressful topics is off limits.

3) The venue for this time need not be expensive, but must be relaxing and enjoyable for both parties together. (You can even escape to your own home — if no one else knows that you’re there!)

In maintaining sanity, and even happiness (yes, it’s possible!), it’s important that couples employ creativity and ingenuity. There’s no exact prescription that is “one size fits all.” Each progressive challenge may require different strategies for maintaining focus. There are many family situations, social situations, and medical situations that are — simply put — very difficult. (In our next column, we will discuss family and social challenges in infertility.) However, there is one rule that does apply to all situations. Make sure to have a rav who knows both husband and wife, who can guide them when they experience difficulties both in halachah and hashkafah.

I was once asked my opinion on the key to shalom bayis. My immediate answer was: Daas Torah. Having an objective guiding force who can represent the beauty of Torah’s “pleasant ways” will enable anyone to lead a pleasant life even in the face of challenges. Establishing a rav, as mentioned previously, is something that the mishnah in Avos obligates us to pursue — it does not come easily. When a couple works to make someone their rav, the road of disparity and discord has not only an arbitrator, but a navigator. There will always be circumstances in which one spouse feels one way while the other is convinced of the opposite. Infertility adds painful emotional baggage to what would naturally just be a mere difference of opinion.

Every issue in halachah has a hashkafic side as well, and the same is true in reverse. A rav must be a guiding force as to what is appropriate in halachah within medical technology. He is equally important in terms of guidance as to the proper ratio of hishtadlus and bitachon.

When it comes to the many “segulos” and “yeshuos” that are offered in the world of infertility, having that rav to help maintain a realistic balance is essential. There are many practices that have basis in our mesorah and even in halachah, and the opposite is true as well. Any segulah that will be emotionally or physically challenging begs examination as to whether it’s a realistic or even reasonable hishtadlus on a couple’s part. As someone once said to me, “Do you think that Hashem put you through all those years of infertility just to watch you suffer? The best segulah, tried-and-true, is tefillah!” In this “segulah” both husband and wife play an integral part.

When we daven to Hashem, there is no other intermediary in our interaction. Yitzchak stood in one corner and Rivkah in the other to daven; the nisayon of infertility places two people in the same room, but in different corners. Husband and wife are individuals whose stances will differ even within the same situation. However, it is imperative for them to realize that the only way they will be able to continue “standing,” is if they support one another as they face their nisayon — separately and together!

Let’s conclude with another one of the sheva brachos: “Sos tasis vesageil haakarah.” Let the barren one rejoice when her children are gathered happily within her embrace. We daven for the day, b’karov, when Hashem will bring the sasson and simchah of children to the homes of all Jewish families.

Fundamental Growth: She Sits Alone

-mishpacha magazine-
Fundamental Growth: She Sits Alone

Rebbezin Aviva Feiner | Wednesday, October 13, 2010

She sits alone at the family simchah, though she is surrounded by people. She has a deep hole in her heart, though she is beloved by many.

She is our sister — our unmarried friend.

She is our city — Yerushalayim.

Yerushalyim — we love to walk her paths, find comfort in her stones. She is our home, our light, the source of all brachah, the most beautiful place in the world. However, Yerushalyim is crying, for what has been lost, for that which is sorely missing. Twice in Tehillim David HaMelech promises us, “Tismach Tzion” (Tzion will be happy). He couples that with another happiness — “Tagelnah bnos Yehudah.” There will be a time that all Jewish daughters are able to rejoice.

It is clear that the intense pain of the many Jewish daughters who are waiting for what they’re missing is not random and has a very specific purpose. Their pain is part and parcel of the pain of our galus, the pain of our forlorn city. Just as Yerushalayim mourns the proper presence of her “spouse” — Klal Yisrael — in the full glory of the Shechinah, we can parallel that experience to our daughters, sisters, and friends who are missing their spouse, the one to whom they could be a helpmate as prescribed by the Torah.

Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita, when asked how to explain the difficult situations that so many single girls are in today, replied that the pain of Jewish daughters is intertwined with the pain of Yerushalayim. He points out that we already find a clue in the experience of the galus of Bayis Rishon. Megillas Eichah links the distress of Yerushalayim with that of unmarried woman: “Her maidens are distressed and she [Yerushalayim] is embittered.”

“The Shidduch Crisis” has reached proportions unparalleled in Jewish history. It has put all of our maidens in a state of fright and, at times, embitterment. My mother who, baruch Hashem, married off three daughters with relative ease, felt a pressure when my third sister was dating that she had never felt before. I have heard more than one seminary student, at eighteen years old, express great trepidation as to the possibility of “never getting married.” This was a rare fear for the typical young girl a short ten or fifteen years ago.

I feel unworthy of commenting, having married, baruch Hashem, at a young age with a short dating career, but my experiences as an educator of seminary girls and a lecturer in different forums has given me opportunity to formulate some thoughts and perspectives on the topic of the “Shidduch Crisis.” The crisis is widespread enough that everyone is pained by it, primarily the singles themselves, but also their families, their friends, and acquaintances. This has clearly reached the status of “Klal Yisrael’s Problem.”

What should we think? What should we do?

I wonder if there is not a very necessary shift in educational focus that must take place as we educate our girls. While it remains of utmost value to inculcate our daughters with the proper middos and hashkafos needed to be a wife and mother, I feel that there needs to be an additional crucial emphasis on self-worth and purpose alongside it. I am not a statistician, but I could venture to say that in the first year of their return from seminary less than 50 percent of the girls marry. Of the remaining 50+ percent, fewer than half marry the following year, and so on until, halevai, they are all married. That ultimate last wedding can, at times, take up to twenty or thirty years. Our young women must be given an intrinsic sense of purpose and an awareness of potential accomplishments in life, regardless of whose wife or whose mother they may be.

I write these words as I sit in a very special place, Chai Lifeline’s Camp Simcha. Here I work alongside many fantastic not-yet-married women. The incredible world that they have delicately created for the sick children of Klal Yisrael gives these lofty neshamos the will to fight for their lives! How many mothers can thank Hashem for all that is done for their children by these women in so many fields: physical and emotional health, education, and recreation?

I marvel when thinking about the legendary Sarah Schenirer who was only given the opportunity for marriage later in life. Where would we all be today had she sat sequestered in her room, depressed, and waiting to get married? Every stage in life comes with its opportunities — but it takes special koach to recognize and pursue them with passion.

Rav Ezriel Tauber, shlita, once explained that when it comes to being single, men are very different than women. The gemara in Yevamos (62b) teaches that life without a wife is a life without tovah, shleimus, shalom, Torah, etc. It says nothing as such about a woman without a husband. In Gur Aryeh, the Maharal points out that Sarah Imeinu was called Yisca before she married Avraham Avinu. She was Yisca, “sh’sachtah b’ruach hakodesh,” for she gazed at life though ruach hakodesh. This is something that she achieved purely on her own, independent of being married to Avraham Avinu! We all must recognize the fantastic contributions that not-yet-married women make as valuable members of our community. We must treat them as such and never judge them for being in a situation in which they clearly have no control.

However, this is not to say that we should remain complacent as we value the place and purpose of our singles. We must realize that Sarah Schenirer DID indeed eventually marry. She never lost sight of marriage as one of her primary goals in life. No one has the right to “give up” on anyone’s chances to get married. Upon our first Torah encounter with our matriarch Leah, all we are told about her is “Eineha rakkos” (her eyes were tender). Rashi explains that Leah cried continuously because she thought she was destined to marry Eisav. Many mefarshim explain that that was initially Leah’s destiny, but through her heartfelt cries and outpouring of tefillah, she was zocheh to marry Yaakov Avinu. Leah Imeinu taught us that through tefillah one can change her entire marital destiny!

So, to all those who are still waiting, please don’t stop davening for your bashert. As long as there remain Jewish men in the world, there is no reason for any woman to feel that marriage is an impossibility for her. This aspect of hishtadlus should never cease.

But what about the other aspects of hishtadlus that come along with the challenge of being single? It is very hard to continue to speak with shadchanim, take care of your appearance, go to singles events, and keep up a positive attitude throughout. I urge all those who ask me to take breaks in their hishtadlus when necessary, since burnout can easily occur. Every person must also know for herself what is realistic and when she has pushed herself or been pushed to a point that she is miserable.

In mentioning being “pushed,” I find it paramount to mention that people really do care. Not everyone is sensitive enough to know how to express that care. It is so important for you to communicate your boundaries. No two people are the same. Some young women want to know that people are looking out for them and to increase any opportunity to meet a quality person. Others aren’t interested in knowing how much people are trying and would rather not talk about their single state. In order to stay happy and unhurt you must be able to express your needs and your comfort level. Hopefully, your educating others on how to interact with you will only serve to protect you and prevent them from unintentionally hurting you.

The rest of us should be attuned to the cues that we get from our unmarried friends and relatives. As happy and positive as they may seem to be, we should not for a moment forget the pain that they are in. The gemara in Shabbos (118b) tells us of Rav Yossi who always called his wife “beisi” — my house. A woman has the potential to personify and build an entire Yiddishe home. Every woman currently missing that opportunity is yearning for it.

Let’s return to Yerushalayim’s tears. Do we not all yearn so much to see her in her full glory? Shouldn’t her streets be filled with singing and dancing, in a state of peace and tranquility? We must all do our maximum in hishtadlus, both in tefillah and in myriad practical efforts for Yerushalayim’s maidens. The ultimate Shadchan doesn’t need our help, but He does want to see that we’re trying our utmost to bring the sounds of sasson, simchah, chassan, v’kallah to all the cities of Yehudah.