Separate Corners, Same Room
Sheva brachos is an exciting time for a chassan and kallah. As they dress up for each celebration, they anticipate an evening of praise, divrei Torah, and many heartfelt brachos for their future. The theme of these brachos reflects the hopes of all Jewish couples as they embark on a new life together.
The wishes of shalom bayis, and growth in Torah and avodas Hashem often allude to the expectation of an imminent future generation. The chassan and kallah receive these brachos smiling, albeit a trifle nervously. They are clearly aware that they are embarking on a very uncertain future.
The beautiful sheva brachos recited under the chuppah, and subsequently for seven days, are laden with poignant meaning. The brachah of “Yotzer haadam” celebrates the Creator of man Who formed from Adam a “binyan adei ad,” an eternal building. This “building” refers to Chavah as the ultimate realization of Adam’s potential to ensure his continuity.
The challenge of infertility is one that touches both husband and wife. Their expectation was to become that “eternal building.” Infertility is a primary paradigm to teach us a valuable lesson. While having children creates a corporeal testimony to the unity of husband and wife, as well as an eternal contribution to netzach Yisrael, there is a much greater unity in marriage to be achieved.
Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, ztz”l, points out that there are two very different illustrations of the creation of Adam and Chavah in Parshas Bereishis. In perek alef, we find a terse description of the creation of Adam: Adam is created in the Image of Hashem, male and female, and is commanded to “be fruitful and multiply!”
In perek beis, we find a much more intimate glimpse: The Torah describes the yearning of Adam for a mate, the deep sleep that overcomes him, and his exhilaration when finally meeting his eizer k’negdo. In this depiction, the Torah does not call the two “male and female,” but rather, “Ish” and “Ishah.” They become one with a connection that remains unparalleled in any relationship other than the one after which it was modeled — Yisrael and Hashem.
There is no mention of progeny in this context of closeness. It seems that this relationship is one that remains independent of the function of male and female to populate the world. This is a connection of commitment, trust, and friendship cemented by a common spiritual goal.
Any couple experiencing infertility must realize that although they are being challenged, they are also being offered a rare opportunity to achieve this spiritual connection. And, as with any challenge, infertility is either going to bring husband and wife closer or further apart. What is unique about this challenge is that it continuously tests the core of the expectations that a couple naturally brings into marriage.
When a childless Chanah cried to her husband Elkanah, he responded to her in a most gallant and sensitive fashion: “You are better for me than ten children.” One could argue that because Elkanah already had children with his other wife, Peninah, this was an easy statement for him to make. In truth, Elkanah was telling Chanah: “My marriage to you is so valuable to my spiritual course in life that it surpasses the spiritual potential that ten children would give me!”
In any situation of suffering, it is natural for a person to retreat into a bubble of protective security. When the suffering is affecting a couple, it will manifest itself differently in the experience of each individual. It takes tremendous strength of commitment for each spouse to be able to reach out of his own cocoon and react to the other’s pain. This strength is what will build a marriage rich in closeness and fulfillment, despite an otherwise painful situation. In a close marriage, the pain each spouse experiences only intensifies the pain of the other. Together, however, they can each be a source of comfort and strength to one another.
It is crucial for a couple to capitalize on the period of infertility and enjoy and maximize their time together. A recent Family First column by Sarah Chana Radcliffe emphasized the importance of every married couple continuing to date each other. The additional stresses that come along with medical intervention in the most personal aspects of a couple’s life place an even greater emphasis on the need for quality time that will allow a relationship to blossom and grow.
Another one of the sheva brachos refers to the chassan and kallah as “rei’im haahuvim,” friends who love one another. Love and friendship take effort and creativity. The following is a prescription to foster these feelings:
1) Protected time alone that is focused on enjoying one another’s company (all phones off).
2) Discussion of stressful topics is off limits.
3) The venue for this time need not be expensive, but must be relaxing and enjoyable for both parties together. (You can even escape to your own home — if no one else knows that you’re there!)
In maintaining sanity, and even happiness (yes, it’s possible!), it’s important that couples employ creativity and ingenuity. There’s no exact prescription that is “one size fits all.” Each progressive challenge may require different strategies for maintaining focus. There are many family situations, social situations, and medical situations that are — simply put — very difficult. (In our next column, we will discuss family and social challenges in infertility.) However, there is one rule that does apply to all situations. Make sure to have a rav who knows both husband and wife, who can guide them when they experience difficulties both in halachah and hashkafah.
I was once asked my opinion on the key to shalom bayis. My immediate answer was: Daas Torah. Having an objective guiding force who can represent the beauty of Torah’s “pleasant ways” will enable anyone to lead a pleasant life even in the face of challenges. Establishing a rav, as mentioned previously, is something that the mishnah in Avos obligates us to pursue — it does not come easily. When a couple works to make someone their rav, the road of disparity and discord has not only an arbitrator, but a navigator. There will always be circumstances in which one spouse feels one way while the other is convinced of the opposite. Infertility adds painful emotional baggage to what would naturally just be a mere difference of opinion.
Every issue in halachah has a hashkafic side as well, and the same is true in reverse. A rav must be a guiding force as to what is appropriate in halachah within medical technology. He is equally important in terms of guidance as to the proper ratio of hishtadlus and bitachon.
When it comes to the many “segulos” and “yeshuos” that are offered in the world of infertility, having that rav to help maintain a realistic balance is essential. There are many practices that have basis in our mesorah and even in halachah, and the opposite is true as well. Any segulah that will be emotionally or physically challenging begs examination as to whether it’s a realistic or even reasonable hishtadlus on a couple’s part. As someone once said to me, “Do you think that Hashem put you through all those years of infertility just to watch you suffer? The best segulah, tried-and-true, is tefillah!” In this “segulah” both husband and wife play an integral part.
When we daven to Hashem, there is no other intermediary in our interaction. Yitzchak stood in one corner and Rivkah in the other to daven; the nisayon of infertility places two people in the same room, but in different corners. Husband and wife are individuals whose stances will differ even within the same situation. However, it is imperative for them to realize that the only way they will be able to continue “standing,” is if they support one another as they face their nisayon — separately and together!
Let’s conclude with another one of the sheva brachos: “Sos tasis vesageil haakarah.” Let the barren one rejoice when her children are gathered happily within her embrace. We daven for the day, b’karov, when Hashem will bring the sasson and simchah of children to the homes of all Jewish families.
No comments:
Post a Comment