| Dubno Magid - When a Country Bumpkin Saw Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel Ztz"l Suffer |
A villager made his first ever trip to the big city. He was amazed by the sights and sounds. The sensory overload was like nothing he had ever experienced in his life. Suddenly he found himself facing the storefront of the King's tailor. He was amazed by the rolls of exquisite fabric and the artistic colorful patterns. As he stood admiring, the tailor took a roll of material and spread it out on his work table. He took a pair of scissors and was about to begin cutting. The villager could not control himself and he burst into the store and forcibly stopped the tailor from cutting the material. "How can you destroy such a magnificent piece of fabric?" screamed the villager. "Fool", said the tailor. "Now it is just a useless piece of fabric. When I finish cutting it, the King will grace himself with it at his next banquet." Sometimes when we see a great Tzaddik suffering, says the Dubno Magid, we question how can Hashem make such a special human being suffer? This is a question of someone who doesn't understand anything. If only we understood that Hashem is shaping him into something far beyond the beauty he already possesses, we wouldn't question. How appropriate this message during the Shiva for Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel Ztvk"l. Anyone who saw even a glimpse of his suffering and knew the tip of the iceberg of what he accomplished, was left an indelible impression that he would marvel at for the rest of his life. He was truly an inspiration to all of us. No one ever asked how this tzaddik could suffer so much. He was more than a fine silk. He was a garment for the king that was easily recognized by anyone. special thanks to rebecca lazrous for sending this to me. |
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
A Lesson From The Dubno Maggid
"A RUDE AWAKENING"
by Rav Dovid Goldwasser
"A RUDE AWAKENING"
“And Hashem tested Avraham (Beraishis 22:1)
The Mishnah in Avos (5:3) teaches us, “Our forefather Avraham was tested with ten trials, and he withstood them all.”
The Chofetz Chaim explains that by withstanding all these nisyonos Avraham Avinu was able to reach a very elevated spiritual level, and Hashem called him “ohavi – the one I love.”
We find that Yosef HaTzaddik, too, merited to achieve greatness and rose to the throne after enduring the nisayon of Potifar’s wife. The Zohar notes (Medrash Hane’elam) that it was because Yosef did not succumb to his Evil Inclination, as it says that kingship dwells upon one who conquers his yetzer. He cites R’ Acha that the yetzer hora was specifically created by Hashem in order to test mankind.
The Chofetz Chaim discusses the Yalkut on the pasuk in Shoftim (3:1), “These are the nations that Hashem let remain, to test Bnai Yisroel through them … to know whether they would listen to the commandments of Hashem.”
That being so, why was Yosef HaTzaddik tested through the wife of Potifar? The medrash tells us that it was a punishment middah keneged middah, measure for measure, because he had accused his brothers in matters of morality.
The Vilna Gaon maintained that were it not for yesurim we wouldn’t find our hands and feet on the day of judgment. The pasuk says (Tehillim 32:10), “Many are the agonies of the wicked, but one who trusts in Hashem, kindness surrounds him.” He notes that the evil person must endure his yesurim in pain, and he cries out. One who trusts in Hashem merits a special kindness and the yesurim are enveloped with chesed so he is able to tolerate his yesurim. This is comparable to the bitter medicines that were the only available cure for stomach illnesses. The ill person would cry out, but he would tolerate its unpleasant taste so that he could be cured. Nowadays, however, the bitter drug is put into a capsule and one is not subjected to its acrid flavor.
In the times of the Vilna Gaon there was a great tzaddik, R’ Saadiah. He once gave a discourse on the topic of gehennom. He noted that all the facts that are mentioned in the Raishis Chachma about gehennom are accurate, and he elaborated on the awesome punishment of gehennom.
A Yid who lived in town became ill when he heard this. He went to the Vilna Gaon to ask what he could do. The Vilna Gaon told him that indeed everything R’ Saadiah had said was true, but it is only applicable to one who has never suffered yesurim in this world.
The Chofetz Chaim would say that one needs to be made of iron in this world. If he is like a door that swings back and forth there is no solidity and nothing can be created from him.
Rav Shach notes that people often erroneously believe that it’s only when their life is difficult that they are being tested. In fact, the yetzer is always challenging a person and trying to lead him astray. A person who is vigilant and aware that there are always nisyonos – during both tranquil and troublesome periods – will be successful in not succumbing to a nisayon.
This is derived from the Talmud (Eruvin 19a) that states, “R’ Yirmiyah ben Elazar stated: Gehennom has three gates, one in the wilderness, one in the sea, and one in Yerushalayim.”
Rav Shach explains that a person often attributes his inability to withstand a nisayon to the influences of his environment. If his personal situation, his location, or his surroundings were different, he asserts, then his nisayon would not be so challenging. In actuality R’ Yirmiyah is telling us otherwise, says Rav Shach. The three gates to gehennom identified in the Talmud represent places where one would think there is no possibility of the yetzer being in control. The sea and the desert are far removed from everyday life, deserted and desolate. Yerushalayim, on the other hand, is the holiest place on earth and yet, the Talmud tells us, a person can succumb to his yetzer hora. Ultimately, each of us makes a personal choice whether we will grow spiritually and defeat our yetzer hora, or fail and face the gates of gehennom.
After selling his wares in the marketplace, a merchant made arrangements for his return trip home with a wagon driver. Before they set out he informed the driver that he was extremely tired, had enjoyed a heavy meal with some drink and would probably fall asleep during the journey. “Make sure that you remain awake to guide the horses,” he instructed the driver.
“You have nothing to worry about,” responded the driver. “I’ve been doing this for a very long time.”
They set out, and the passenger soon fell asleep. The driver, who had also eaten and had something to drink, found that he was having difficulty remaining awake, and before long, he too fell asleep. When the horse felt that the reins had loosened, he took off. Riding recklessly, the wagon toppled into a ditch and turned over in the mud.
The merchant was highly upset and began to shout, “I told you not to fall asleep while on the road. Now look what has happened!”
The wagon driver responded, “Why are you angry at me? At first I held the reins tightly but I saw the horse is intelligent and is familiar with the road.”
The merchant roared with laughter. “An intelligent horse? A horse is a horse. If you don’t mind your horse it will run away.”
Similarly, says the Chofetz Chaim, a person has a body and a soul, a guf and a neshamah. The neshamah derives its enjoyment from mitzvos and maasim tovim, while the guf seeks to enjoy the worldly pleasures. A person is obligated to rein in the inclinations of the guf so his person does not stray from the derech hayashar (the proper path).
Flying on Course
Flying on Course
The first relationship a person experiences in this world is that between parent and child. We are taught that one of the primary values of this relationship is its parallel to our relationship with Hashem. The pain and triumphs we feel so tangibly as parents are mere shadows of what Hashem feels with Klal Yisrael’s failures and successes.
Divinely Designed
Rav Hutner teaches a fascinating point in discussing the halachos of kibud av v’eim. The parent-child relationship is divinely designed so that a parent perceives each child as an extension of himself both physically and spiritually. This defines his tafkid in parenting.
It becomes confusing, therefore, when parents are faced with children who are so different from themselves. Yet we must believe that in making this match Hashem knew all the trials and treasures entailed in this relationship. A relative of a well-known rav related that when she was struggling with one of her children, the rav gave her chizuk by telling her, “Children were not given to us for nachas; they were given to us for avodas Hashem.”
When Expectations aren’t Met
It’s Friday evening. A Jewish mother stands before her candles, her lips moving silently, her body swaying with intense concentration. She whispers the heartfelt tefillah, “Let me merit to raise children … who love Hashem and fear Him, holy children …” Many a tear has been shed by mothers whose children are not fulfilling the hopes expressed in this tefillah.
What do we do when our children aren’t following a path of Torah? Or, more accurately, what do we think?
Much has been written in recent years on this painful issue. Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita often relates how thankful he is that he was not born into today’s generation of young people, for whom the temptations and lures of the secular world are literally “at their fingertips.”
No parent can possibly assume that her children are going through “exactly” what she went through growing up. The world of chinuch is constantly striving to meet the ever-changing needs of Klal Yisrael’s children. The needs of parents are also shifting, as they try to stay sane in the whirlwind of fulfilling ever-growing demands.
Parents must fortify themselves with the knowledge that if Hashem deemed them fit to care for the neshamah of their child, then they have the kochos needed to actualize their child’s potential. Chazal teach us (Niddah 30b) that there are three partners in the creation of every child, and we must remind ourselves that the Ribono shel Olam does not “drop out” kaviyachol once the child is created.
The Gemara (Moed Katan 28a) teaches us the concept of “banim b’mazel talia milsa” (literally, children are dependent on one’s mazel). Mazel refers to the way a constellation above directly impacts the life of the person born “under” it. We also know that “ein mazel l’Yisrael” (Shabbos 156a) —Jews do not live life determined by the Zodiac. How do we reconcile this seeming contradiction?
The Rishonim teach us that, yes, a person is born under a “mazel” and so has certain tendencies and predilections; this is evident in most children from a very young age. But we are not “trapped” by our natures; this would completely undermine our basic fundamental faith in free will. Rather, a person is born with both positive and negative attributes that affect his personality, and they must be honed and cultivated.
It is the parents’ job to sense the needs of each child’s nature as he develops — or in the words of Rav Wolbe, “to plant and build” the neshamos with which they have been entrusted. Parents were given this responsibility by Hashem. Yet every child will eventually become an adult with his own free will. We can only hope that the chinuch he receives growing up will guide that free will — but it is certainly no guarantee.
The Secret of Success
From the moment a child is conceived, its future is uncertain. Yet, from the moment a mother is aware of her unborn child, she does not cease praying for its welfare.
What will impact the baby who emerges? Are children born with a fixed destiny? Are we at the mercy of “banim b’mazel talia milsa” — the concept mentioned in the Gemara that Rivkah faced while her sons were yet in the yeshivah of the womb? We see that banim are also dependent on tefillah; the fate of our offspring can be directly affected by the power of our prayers, as in the example of Chanah. Batsheva, the mother of Shlomo, showed us a third factor — that children will flourish and develop with the proper dose of “mussar avicha” and “Toras imecha.”
So what’s the winning formula? Can parents guarantee their children’s outcomes?
While there are no guarantees, parenting with the correct balance of tefillah, Torah, and mussar is the only means by which we can hope to fulfill Hashem’s purpose in entrusting us with our children. This is not an easy mission, and each of these tools comes with its own challenges:
- Tefillah — We cannot rely on davening alone to solve all our children’s problems. We also have to explore every avenue of hishtadlus, with every step accompanied by heartfelt prayer.
- Torah — We are obligated to teach our children Torah and mitzvos. However, we must take care that our chinuch is not guided by a zealotry that will cause a child to resent our lifestyle.
- Mussar — As the ones entrusted with developing the middos of our children, we must judiciously use rebuke as a tool to put our children back on track, taking care not to push them off course.
A Degree in Parenting
Many remark on the irony of how our education system reinforces and guides us in so many areas of life, yet we are thrown into parenting without graduating any course or getting any degree. We have to learn on the job, making it imperative for all of us to constantly question, scrutinize, and fortify our parenting skills and strategies.
We are blessed today with many great audio shiurim and seforim to help parents with their awesome task. However, situations that mandate careful thought and calculation require the guidance of someone familiar with the family. The parent who approaches a rebbi, rebbetzin, or therapist for hadrachah should therefore never view himself as a weak parent — rather, as a parent with courage.
Rabbi Raphael Pelcovitz shlita, on whose pulpit my husband is now privileged to stand, relates the following lesson: One must hold his child in his hand as if he were a baby bird. If he clenches his hand shut, tight as a fist, it will crush the bird; if he opens his hand wide, the bird will fly away before it is able to navigate the world.
The baby bird must be held delicately to allow it to look at the world, flutter its wings, and take its first steps within the safe and secure confines of the hand. Eventually the bird will fly on its own. We hope and pray that it will follow a course based on the skills and caution it learned in the safe embrace of its loving parent.
“I remember the chesed of your youth,” Hashem tells us in the haftarah of Parshas Matos (Yirmiyah 2:2), “how you went after Me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown.” Klal Yisrael has strayed many times from the pure faith of our youth. Sometimes the bird flies off course. Yet just as Hashem persists in loving us, parents must always persist in loving their child. And we must remember that every bird can always find its way back home....
Parents must feel confident in knowing that the child they once cradled has benefited from all of their tireless efforts and heartfelt tefillos. It may not be appreciated and may not be readily evident — but as with any investment, it is impossible to know when the dividends will be reaped.
Just as the Ribono shel Olam refuses to forsake His hope for His children’s return, no parent should ever forsake hope. While awaiting that return, the Ribono shel Olam knows that every person is the master of his own free will. Parents are responsible to provide their child with the best opportunities to make positive choices, but ultimately their child will develop into an adult who chooses his own responses to life.
As we read on Tisha B’Av, let us “search and examine our ways and return to Hashem” (Eichah 3:40). Hopefully, we will soon we join our Father in Heaven in seeing the fulfillment of all children returning home, to the place where they belong. “V’shavu banim ligvulam.”
Separate Corners, Same Room
Separate Corners, Same Room
Sheva brachos is an exciting time for a chassan and kallah. As they dress up for each celebration, they anticipate an evening of praise, divrei Torah, and many heartfelt brachos for their future. The theme of these brachos reflects the hopes of all Jewish couples as they embark on a new life together.
The wishes of shalom bayis, and growth in Torah and avodas Hashem often allude to the expectation of an imminent future generation. The chassan and kallah receive these brachos smiling, albeit a trifle nervously. They are clearly aware that they are embarking on a very uncertain future.
The beautiful sheva brachos recited under the chuppah, and subsequently for seven days, are laden with poignant meaning. The brachah of “Yotzer haadam” celebrates the Creator of man Who formed from Adam a “binyan adei ad,” an eternal building. This “building” refers to Chavah as the ultimate realization of Adam’s potential to ensure his continuity.
The challenge of infertility is one that touches both husband and wife. Their expectation was to become that “eternal building.” Infertility is a primary paradigm to teach us a valuable lesson. While having children creates a corporeal testimony to the unity of husband and wife, as well as an eternal contribution to netzach Yisrael, there is a much greater unity in marriage to be achieved.
Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, ztz”l, points out that there are two very different illustrations of the creation of Adam and Chavah in Parshas Bereishis. In perek alef, we find a terse description of the creation of Adam: Adam is created in the Image of Hashem, male and female, and is commanded to “be fruitful and multiply!”
In perek beis, we find a much more intimate glimpse: The Torah describes the yearning of Adam for a mate, the deep sleep that overcomes him, and his exhilaration when finally meeting his eizer k’negdo. In this depiction, the Torah does not call the two “male and female,” but rather, “Ish” and “Ishah.” They become one with a connection that remains unparalleled in any relationship other than the one after which it was modeled — Yisrael and Hashem.
There is no mention of progeny in this context of closeness. It seems that this relationship is one that remains independent of the function of male and female to populate the world. This is a connection of commitment, trust, and friendship cemented by a common spiritual goal.
Any couple experiencing infertility must realize that although they are being challenged, they are also being offered a rare opportunity to achieve this spiritual connection. And, as with any challenge, infertility is either going to bring husband and wife closer or further apart. What is unique about this challenge is that it continuously tests the core of the expectations that a couple naturally brings into marriage.
When a childless Chanah cried to her husband Elkanah, he responded to her in a most gallant and sensitive fashion: “You are better for me than ten children.” One could argue that because Elkanah already had children with his other wife, Peninah, this was an easy statement for him to make. In truth, Elkanah was telling Chanah: “My marriage to you is so valuable to my spiritual course in life that it surpasses the spiritual potential that ten children would give me!”
In any situation of suffering, it is natural for a person to retreat into a bubble of protective security. When the suffering is affecting a couple, it will manifest itself differently in the experience of each individual. It takes tremendous strength of commitment for each spouse to be able to reach out of his own cocoon and react to the other’s pain. This strength is what will build a marriage rich in closeness and fulfillment, despite an otherwise painful situation. In a close marriage, the pain each spouse experiences only intensifies the pain of the other. Together, however, they can each be a source of comfort and strength to one another.
It is crucial for a couple to capitalize on the period of infertility and enjoy and maximize their time together. A recent Family First column by Sarah Chana Radcliffe emphasized the importance of every married couple continuing to date each other. The additional stresses that come along with medical intervention in the most personal aspects of a couple’s life place an even greater emphasis on the need for quality time that will allow a relationship to blossom and grow.
Another one of the sheva brachos refers to the chassan and kallah as “rei’im haahuvim,” friends who love one another. Love and friendship take effort and creativity. The following is a prescription to foster these feelings:
1) Protected time alone that is focused on enjoying one another’s company (all phones off).
2) Discussion of stressful topics is off limits.
3) The venue for this time need not be expensive, but must be relaxing and enjoyable for both parties together. (You can even escape to your own home — if no one else knows that you’re there!)
In maintaining sanity, and even happiness (yes, it’s possible!), it’s important that couples employ creativity and ingenuity. There’s no exact prescription that is “one size fits all.” Each progressive challenge may require different strategies for maintaining focus. There are many family situations, social situations, and medical situations that are — simply put — very difficult. (In our next column, we will discuss family and social challenges in infertility.) However, there is one rule that does apply to all situations. Make sure to have a rav who knows both husband and wife, who can guide them when they experience difficulties both in halachah and hashkafah.
I was once asked my opinion on the key to shalom bayis. My immediate answer was: Daas Torah. Having an objective guiding force who can represent the beauty of Torah’s “pleasant ways” will enable anyone to lead a pleasant life even in the face of challenges. Establishing a rav, as mentioned previously, is something that the mishnah in Avos obligates us to pursue — it does not come easily. When a couple works to make someone their rav, the road of disparity and discord has not only an arbitrator, but a navigator. There will always be circumstances in which one spouse feels one way while the other is convinced of the opposite. Infertility adds painful emotional baggage to what would naturally just be a mere difference of opinion.
Every issue in halachah has a hashkafic side as well, and the same is true in reverse. A rav must be a guiding force as to what is appropriate in halachah within medical technology. He is equally important in terms of guidance as to the proper ratio of hishtadlus and bitachon.
When it comes to the many “segulos” and “yeshuos” that are offered in the world of infertility, having that rav to help maintain a realistic balance is essential. There are many practices that have basis in our mesorah and even in halachah, and the opposite is true as well. Any segulah that will be emotionally or physically challenging begs examination as to whether it’s a realistic or even reasonable hishtadlus on a couple’s part. As someone once said to me, “Do you think that Hashem put you through all those years of infertility just to watch you suffer? The best segulah, tried-and-true, is tefillah!” In this “segulah” both husband and wife play an integral part.
When we daven to Hashem, there is no other intermediary in our interaction. Yitzchak stood in one corner and Rivkah in the other to daven; the nisayon of infertility places two people in the same room, but in different corners. Husband and wife are individuals whose stances will differ even within the same situation. However, it is imperative for them to realize that the only way they will be able to continue “standing,” is if they support one another as they face their nisayon — separately and together!
Let’s conclude with another one of the sheva brachos: “Sos tasis vesageil haakarah.” Let the barren one rejoice when her children are gathered happily within her embrace. We daven for the day, b’karov, when Hashem will bring the sasson and simchah of children to the homes of all Jewish families.
Fundamental Growth: She Sits Alone
Fundamental Growth: She Sits Alone
She sits alone at the family simchah, though she is surrounded by people. She has a deep hole in her heart, though she is beloved by many.
She is our sister — our unmarried friend.
She is our city — Yerushalayim.
Yerushalyim — we love to walk her paths, find comfort in her stones. She is our home, our light, the source of all brachah, the most beautiful place in the world. However, Yerushalyim is crying, for what has been lost, for that which is sorely missing. Twice in Tehillim David HaMelech promises us, “Tismach Tzion” (Tzion will be happy). He couples that with another happiness — “Tagelnah bnos Yehudah.” There will be a time that all Jewish daughters are able to rejoice.
It is clear that the intense pain of the many Jewish daughters who are waiting for what they’re missing is not random and has a very specific purpose. Their pain is part and parcel of the pain of our galus, the pain of our forlorn city. Just as Yerushalayim mourns the proper presence of her “spouse” — Klal Yisrael — in the full glory of the Shechinah, we can parallel that experience to our daughters, sisters, and friends who are missing their spouse, the one to whom they could be a helpmate as prescribed by the Torah.
Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita, when asked how to explain the difficult situations that so many single girls are in today, replied that the pain of Jewish daughters is intertwined with the pain of Yerushalayim. He points out that we already find a clue in the experience of the galus of Bayis Rishon. Megillas Eichah links the distress of Yerushalayim with that of unmarried woman: “Her maidens are distressed and she [Yerushalayim] is embittered.”
“The Shidduch Crisis” has reached proportions unparalleled in Jewish history. It has put all of our maidens in a state of fright and, at times, embitterment. My mother who, baruch Hashem, married off three daughters with relative ease, felt a pressure when my third sister was dating that she had never felt before. I have heard more than one seminary student, at eighteen years old, express great trepidation as to the possibility of “never getting married.” This was a rare fear for the typical young girl a short ten or fifteen years ago.
I feel unworthy of commenting, having married, baruch Hashem, at a young age with a short dating career, but my experiences as an educator of seminary girls and a lecturer in different forums has given me opportunity to formulate some thoughts and perspectives on the topic of the “Shidduch Crisis.” The crisis is widespread enough that everyone is pained by it, primarily the singles themselves, but also their families, their friends, and acquaintances. This has clearly reached the status of “Klal Yisrael’s Problem.”
What should we think? What should we do?
I wonder if there is not a very necessary shift in educational focus that must take place as we educate our girls. While it remains of utmost value to inculcate our daughters with the proper middos and hashkafos needed to be a wife and mother, I feel that there needs to be an additional crucial emphasis on self-worth and purpose alongside it. I am not a statistician, but I could venture to say that in the first year of their return from seminary less than 50 percent of the girls marry. Of the remaining 50+ percent, fewer than half marry the following year, and so on until, halevai, they are all married. That ultimate last wedding can, at times, take up to twenty or thirty years. Our young women must be given an intrinsic sense of purpose and an awareness of potential accomplishments in life, regardless of whose wife or whose mother they may be.
I write these words as I sit in a very special place, Chai Lifeline’s Camp Simcha. Here I work alongside many fantastic not-yet-married women. The incredible world that they have delicately created for the sick children of Klal Yisrael gives these lofty neshamos the will to fight for their lives! How many mothers can thank Hashem for all that is done for their children by these women in so many fields: physical and emotional health, education, and recreation?
I marvel when thinking about the legendary Sarah Schenirer who was only given the opportunity for marriage later in life. Where would we all be today had she sat sequestered in her room, depressed, and waiting to get married? Every stage in life comes with its opportunities — but it takes special koach to recognize and pursue them with passion.
Rav Ezriel Tauber, shlita, once explained that when it comes to being single, men are very different than women. The gemara in Yevamos (62b) teaches that life without a wife is a life without tovah, shleimus, shalom, Torah, etc. It says nothing as such about a woman without a husband. In Gur Aryeh, the Maharal points out that Sarah Imeinu was called Yisca before she married Avraham Avinu. She was Yisca, “sh’sachtah b’ruach hakodesh,” for she gazed at life though ruach hakodesh. This is something that she achieved purely on her own, independent of being married to Avraham Avinu! We all must recognize the fantastic contributions that not-yet-married women make as valuable members of our community. We must treat them as such and never judge them for being in a situation in which they clearly have no control.
However, this is not to say that we should remain complacent as we value the place and purpose of our singles. We must realize that Sarah Schenirer DID indeed eventually marry. She never lost sight of marriage as one of her primary goals in life. No one has the right to “give up” on anyone’s chances to get married. Upon our first Torah encounter with our matriarch Leah, all we are told about her is “Eineha rakkos” (her eyes were tender). Rashi explains that Leah cried continuously because she thought she was destined to marry Eisav. Many mefarshim explain that that was initially Leah’s destiny, but through her heartfelt cries and outpouring of tefillah, she was zocheh to marry Yaakov Avinu. Leah Imeinu taught us that through tefillah one can change her entire marital destiny!
So, to all those who are still waiting, please don’t stop davening for your bashert. As long as there remain Jewish men in the world, there is no reason for any woman to feel that marriage is an impossibility for her. This aspect of hishtadlus should never cease.
But what about the other aspects of hishtadlus that come along with the challenge of being single? It is very hard to continue to speak with shadchanim, take care of your appearance, go to singles events, and keep up a positive attitude throughout. I urge all those who ask me to take breaks in their hishtadlus when necessary, since burnout can easily occur. Every person must also know for herself what is realistic and when she has pushed herself or been pushed to a point that she is miserable.
In mentioning being “pushed,” I find it paramount to mention that people really do care. Not everyone is sensitive enough to know how to express that care. It is so important for you to communicate your boundaries. No two people are the same. Some young women want to know that people are looking out for them and to increase any opportunity to meet a quality person. Others aren’t interested in knowing how much people are trying and would rather not talk about their single state. In order to stay happy and unhurt you must be able to express your needs and your comfort level. Hopefully, your educating others on how to interact with you will only serve to protect you and prevent them from unintentionally hurting you.
The rest of us should be attuned to the cues that we get from our unmarried friends and relatives. As happy and positive as they may seem to be, we should not for a moment forget the pain that they are in. The gemara in Shabbos (118b) tells us of Rav Yossi who always called his wife “beisi” — my house. A woman has the potential to personify and build an entire Yiddishe home. Every woman currently missing that opportunity is yearning for it.
Let’s return to Yerushalayim’s tears. Do we not all yearn so much to see her in her full glory? Shouldn’t her streets be filled with singing and dancing, in a state of peace and tranquility? We must all do our maximum in hishtadlus, both in tefillah and in myriad practical efforts for Yerushalayim’s maidens. The ultimate Shadchan doesn’t need our help, but He does want to see that we’re trying our utmost to bring the sounds of sasson, simchah, chassan, v’kallah to all the cities of Yehudah.
Fundamentals
Fundamentals
She is no longer alone. She has walked down to the chuppah. Become an eizer kenegdo. She shops, cooks, cleans, and folds her laundry to perfection. She hosts a beautiful Shabbos meal for many grateful guests with her candles burning brightly. Yet does anyone recognize that she lit those two candles with a broken heart — a heart torn with longing?
Our first encounter in Tanach with tefillah as a silent supplication is that of Chanah — a childless woman. Her intense emotional outpouring to the Ribono shel Olam was mistakenly interpreted by the Kohein Gadol as drunkenness. Besides classic intoxication, being drunk can also be defined as an emotion driven by intense feeling. Such as the raw emotional pain of infertility.
Last Chanukah, I was a speaker at an event for single women. The worthy cause of the gathering was to benefit ATIME – A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange. While every nisayon hachayim is unique in its challenges, I described a clear parallel between singleness and infertility. “Imagine the pain of almost getting engaged every single month.” While every married woman must be grateful for the lack of a single’s loneliness, the roller coaster of infertility creates a constantly renewed and raw wound in the life of a woman.
From the time a little girl begins to observe life, her favorite role-playing is often that of “Mommy.” As a girl grows older, she becomes tangibly aware that her unique potential in life is to be a mother. When the Torah recounts Chavah’s creation, Rashi quotes the Midrash describing a woman’s build as a “storehouse.” According to the Midrash, in Chanah’s aforementioned tefillah to Hashem she cried out, “But why was I created this way if not to bring children into the world!”
The Chazon Ish eloquently describes the miracles of motherhood: The ability of a woman to bring life into the world is miraculous. Equally astounding is her natural instinct to nurture and give endlessly to her child. What a shock it is to any woman who finds that predilection unfulfilled. This struggle can affect every relationship in her life — between herself and Hashem, her husband, her family, her friends, and even her daily interaction with our world — filled with so many beautiful Yiddishe kinderlach!
As we examine each of these struggles, I hope to share many of the invaluable life lessons that I discovered during my twelve-plus years of infertility.
All nisyonos can be defined as follows: the challenge of either failure or growth through unexpected obstacles in life. However, the repeated struggles of many of our Imahos with infertility seems to indicate that infertility is the primary nisayon that can truly mold a Jewish woman as a potential eim b’Yisrael.
First and foremost, as Chanah displayed for us, we must know that the natural emotional reaction to infertility is one of pain and frustration — even anger. The question then is where to channel that emotion, and what to do with it?
In every nisayon in life there is clear feeling of having been singled out by Hashem. “Why me?” In my nisayon of infertility, I was often offered the comfort of people saying: “Look at all the great people who went through this nisayon; obviously Hashem feels that you are special.” Although my instinctual response may not have been verbalized, it was certainly formulated: “I’ll gladly trade ‘special’ for a house filled with healthy children!”
Rav Yaakov Weinberg, ztz”l, former rosh yeshivah of Ner Israel, shared a very powerful insight. In the world of parenting, very often the most painful punishment is less painful than no punishment at all. The lesson is clear: when Hashem singles me out in life by giving me pain, He is telling me that He expects something from me.
We are taught that our Imahos were barren because Hashem desires our tefillos. The often asked query is; “Does Hashem need anything? How, then, can he desire tefillos?”
Hashem determines everything in this world. What is left in our hands is to determine our relationship with Him. When Hashem withholds something so precious from one of His daughters, it is His personal invitation to reach out to Him. The pain in tefillah, says Rav Dessler in Michtav MeEliyahu, is likened to plowing a field. First the soil must been turned over, to expose fertile ground to plant. A barren woman’s tefillos to Hashem opens her heart to honest prioritization and a clear understanding of the true value of life. This understanding, achieved through her nisayon, will hopefully make her fertile ground for a nesahmah kedoshah to come into this world.
Our Mamme Rochel’s cry for children expressed her preference for death over childlessness — “Give me children, and if not (v’im ayin), I am like dead!” The Shem MiShmuel points out that the word choice of “ayin” should technically be translated as “nothingness,” as opposed to “not.” He translates the verse: “Give me children, and if they are of nothingness, it is like I am dead.” Who are children of “nothingness”? Children whose very arrival was not a catalyst for their parents’ growth.
To Rochel Imeinu, being a mother meant recognizing that there is no gift from Hashem that is worthless. Furthermore, the absence of those gifts is also not inconsequential. A woman who uses her nisayon of childlessness to become closer to Hashem can hope that her growth through this nisayon will enable her to be a better eim b’Yisrael.
However, even if a woman works on utilizing her nisayon for growth, what should she do with all those maternal kochos as she awaits her yeshuah? And if b’derech hateva her salvation never comes, where does she direct her maternal instincts?
Chazal teach us that there are many relationships in this world that are comparable to that of a parent and child. Every childless woman has many opportunities to care for others as if they were her own children. Her Shabbos table is one example of a situation rich in opportunity to give. Outside the home, there are so many needs in our community for connection with children in all contexts — physical, emotional, and educational. Situations abound for women with hearts open to give. Many a coworker marveled at what a dedicated teacher I was during my years of childlessness. I see now how much caring I had latent within me, and I consider myself fortunate that I seized those chances.
I must mention that caution must always be exercised with any of these options. Allowing a job or chesed to become an obsession or a dependency is a true risk for a women who feels an emptiness in her life. However, with the proper balance, the rewards are immeasurable. While it is true that no one else’s child can ever replace the yearning to have one’s own, allowing oneself to utilize an inert desire to give is truly satisfying.
How troubling it is that there are women who sit at home waiting for their yeshuos to come. Rav Wolbe in Alei Shor teaches that idleness is the ticket to increased depression. Sadness leads to laziness, which in turn leads to despair; it becomes a vicious cycle that will continue if one does not rouse herself to break it. We never expect the nisyonos that we receive, but we do choose how we will react to them. The journey through any nisayon is an assessment of oneself in the most honest form.
In our upcoming columns, we will discuss the facets of a woman’s relationship with others during the turbulent times of infertility. However, her success in all relationships begins with her relationship with herself. The Piaseczner Rebbe, Rav Kalonymos Kalman Shapira, explains that Hashem’s question of Adam — “Ayekah —where are you?” — should resonate in every individual’s ears. “Where are you?” Are you a chameleon, continuously changing yourself based on what is occurring in your life? Or do you have an understanding of yourself — a foundation? Can you manage to preserve your identity, despite the unanticipated challenges in life?
Chocolate … painting … writing … chocolate … work … chesed … chocolate … music … friends … chocolate … Knowing myself — these things work for me!
Understanding oneself means that one can be empowered to cope — despite having a valid excuse to indulge in self pity. This is a skill that will evolve, making this woman one who can proudly say: “Hashem, I acknowledge that I am special and I will do the best possible job at being me, with whatever life situation You give me.”
Parenting Our Special Children
Parenting Our Special Children
I offer a unique perspective in the world of parenting. My long-awaited,
extremely precious only son was almost lost to us in the first hours of his
life, and is now growing up to be sweet and lovable but also physically,
medically, and cognitively handicapped. I sometimes remark that after giving me
twelve years of no responsibility for children, Hashem has now given me the
responsibilities of a mother of twelve.
What I can attest is that having a child is nothing to take for
granted. Certainly, having a healthy child is something for which every parent so
blessed should be eternally grateful.
Soon after we realized that my son was not going to be a “typical”
child, a secular Israeli doctor in Hadassah
Ein
Kerem
Hospital taught me an
important lesson: Every child can be compared to a ruler. It would be
irrelevant to take measurements with a metric ruler and an imperial ruler, and deem
one inaccurate because it calculated a smaller number; it is similarly
irrelevant to compare children. Every child is his or her own ruler, and should
only be measured against him- or herself.
This holds true for all children, but all the more so for children
we label as “special.”
Many of us have heard of the practice of the Chofetz Chaim ztz”l
to stand for the lofty neshamah of a special-needs child. As a people, however,
our history is not so favorable when it comes to relating to these children. Very
often, fear of social stigma combined with poor educational opportunities have put
special children at a disadvantage in frum society. Baruch Hashem, we
have moved past the times when such children were sequestered and never spoken
about, and our educational system has made tremendous strides in providing for
them. There is, however, still a long way to go.
The first child with an impairment mentioned in the Torah is
Chushim, the son of Dan. He was deaf; the Gemara (Sotah 13a) informs us that
even so, Chushim had the zeal and courage to kill Eisav when he interfered with
the burial of Yaakov Avinu. Though Dan was the only shevet to have but one
child, it nevertheless grew to be one of the largest shevatim. The Midrash
in Behaaloscha teaches that since Shevet Dan traveled last, it was the
“gatherer of the camps” — the one to collect what had been left behind, and to give
a feeling of safety to the stragglers.
It is clear that Chushim was raised in an environment where he
felt included and empowered. His father reaped much nachas from this
only son, who passed on a legacy of compassion and security.
In my previous column, I quoted a rav who remarked that “children
were not given to us for nachas but for avodas Hashem.” Parents
of special-needs children should be acutely aware of the unique bond between a neshamah
and the body that it chooses for life in this world. Only a very heilige
neshamah opts to live in a compromised body. Knowing this gives impetus to
the parent — whom Hashem chose to bring this child into the world — to serve
Hashem through caring for this child.
Disabilities vary tremendously from mild to severe, and include physical,
cognitive, and emotional impairment. As disabilities vary, so do the challenges
of raising children affected by them. What all parents of impaired children share
is the need to parent in ways that do not fit into the typical “chinuch
shiur” guidelines. Looking at the recent baby development column so cutely presented
in this magazine, I wondered how many other mothers quickly skipped to the next
page, as I did, to spare themselves yet another stab of pain over milestones
that their child has not yet reached.
No child in this world ever exactly matches the profile of another;
that is the beauty of Hashem’s creation. No child’s wonderful middos or
misbehaviors will precisely mimic those of another. As our faces differ, so do
our ways and thoughts. To quote a well-known lecturer: “Every person is a one-time
phenomenon!” Every mother therefore needs great measures of binah yeseirah
to know how best to raise her child — even if he is a “normal” child.
When she is faced with challenges, she can look to abundant
literature as well as to many specialists and mechanchim, who, with siyata
d’Shmaya, can help her along the path. This is not the case for the mother
of a child whose problems don’t fit into the category of typical — or even
healthy — growing pains.
The parents of a disabled child must navigate a stormy sea of
doctors, therapists, medication, medical equipment, insurance, and more, with
no guidebook or compass. I personally treasure the connections I have with
other mothers of special-needs children. We are important information resources
to one another and can offer each other chizuk and comfort as no one
else can. There are also some Jewish organizations that are active in supporting
and educating parents of special-needs children.
At the end of the day, however, my child is my responsibility and
no one else knows his needs as I do. It is a tremendous achrayus to
shoulder, and sometimes these shoulders get quite tired.
I have mentioned in public speeches that the mother of a severely
handicapped child is herself handicapped as well. People might find this to be
a very shocking comment. My intent is to convey my reality — that I am
completely dependent on the assistance of others. It is so very paramount for
every mother to take time for herself and attend to her own needs, and all the
more so in the case of a mother whose job title could be joined with “nurse” or
“therapist.” It is often difficult to accept help and feel like a “chesed
case,” but it is important to know that a good mother can only fill this role if
she takes care of herself.
I would also like to stress how much these precious children give
to and inspire others. While parents and siblings will always be the ones most
impacted by a special child, every nuclear family is part of a greater extended-family
structure, and an even greater community structure. The special child, whether
directly or indirectly, can be a tremendous source of strength and inspiration
for everyone whom he or she encounters. Each special child is blessed with an
inner or outer chein that endears him to others, and can teach us
invaluable lessons of perseverance and fortitude.
In addition, it is a privilege to be able to help a child in any
area where he could not otherwise help himself. It is an opportunity to follow
in the footsteps of the Ribono shel Olam —to fulfill the mitzvah of v’halachta
bidrachav.
Mah Hu af atah: if not for Hashem’s everlasting
chesed, we would each be nothing more than a golem, unable to
move, see, hear, think, or feel. In our morning brachos, we healthy people
thank Hashem for seemingly insignificant details of our lives — “He opens the
eyes of the blind,” “He helps the bent-over stand up straight.” We tend to take
these gifts for granted; think how accurately these words would describe us if
not for all that Hashem has bestowed on us!
Who can be greater than the parent to whom Hashem says, “You are
like Me”?
Who can be greater than Klal Yisrael, who cry out to Hashem, “Look
at us”?
May Hashem continue to grant love, care, and strength to His precious
nation. May He provide all parents with the love, care, and strength necessary to
raise their children, and may we soon see all of Klal Yisrael running up the steps
to the Beis HaMikdash singing and dancing — following the lead of all these
precious children!
Parents of special-needs children should be acutely aware of the
unique bond between a neshamah and the body that it chooses for life in
this world
Way #17 - Marriage Power
| http://www.aish.com/ | |
by Rabbi Noah Weinberg
Intimacy is a powerful drive, second only to survival itself. Society uses it to sell movies, cigarettes and automobiles.
It is so powerful, it can make monkeys out of us. It can be dangerous to the point of wrecking families. That's why it's essential to be in control of it.
Way 17 is b'miut derech eretz, a Hebrew idiom meaning to control intimate activity. The wise person knows how to control his drives - while harnessing that power constructively.
There are three aspects of intimacy:
- Positive: It's important to have some. The human body produces chemical energy in moments of attraction.
- Negative: Too much will drain you. When our hormones are running the show, we're no longer free.
- Balance: Decide that your mind is going to dictate your actions. Control your urges. Use intimacy for the right reasons at the right time.
The illusion is that the more you satisfy an urge, the more you are satisfied. But in reality, the more you feed an urge, the more it wants.
Even in the context of marriage, excess makes the relationship base and self-centered. Balance is essential.
IN THE CONTEXT OF MARRIAGE
Before getting married, you should know what marriage is all about. Is it a contract between two parties? A long romance? A tax break? A housekeeper? Companionship? Be careful: How you define marriage will determine what kind of spouse you choose.
In the Torah, the expression used to describe intimacy is "yadah," which means "to know." ("And Adam knew his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and had a child." - Genesis 4:1) Yadah denotes that intimacy is not just a physical act, but is a full emotional union between two people.
Judaism defines marriage as "finding your other half." Through marriage, two people become bound together into a single entity, bringing completeness to each other. The longing for intimacy is really an expression of the longing to be joined together with our "other half." Through the relationship, we express this oneness.
We say that a man does not die except to his wife, and a woman does not die except to her husband. Others are pained by death, but a spouse's life is demolished. If they had a strong marriage, the surviving spouse will have to reconstruct their whole existence.
Intimacy is not an appetite like every other appetite. It is reserved for the purpose of making oneness. It has to be with love or it is nothing.
When a man and woman make a marital commitment, they form a deep spiritual bond. They give to each other, and are committed for a lifetime. Intimacy binds husband and wife together, because it teaches us to focus beyond ourselves.
Outside of marriage, intimacy is ultimately frustrating because oneness can never be fully achieved. This is obvious in regard to a short-term encounter. But even in a long-term setting: Without the commitment of marriage, you always keep open the option of leaving the relationship. As a result, the degree of connectedness reaches a barrier. Eventually, frustration sets in, and the relationship erodes at its foundation.
PICKING THE RIGHT PARTNER
How should you choose a spouse? Are you going to choose the best-looking one? The one with the most vitality? The most money?
Choose for long wear. Evaluate someone who has potential, decency, strength. Look for someone with dignity and who is a good human being - giving, caring, modest.
You know how to break up a great romance? Get married! In two weeks they are grumping at each other! They were getting along famously but right after they are married, all of a sudden... "You didn't prepare supper... You didn't come home on time... What did you do with the money?" Boom!
The problem with "romance" is that you don't see the real qualities. If a fellow comes over to you and says, "I met this girl. She is perfect. She is gorgeous and intelligent and accomplished and smart and idealistic and sweet and..." You know what happened? He didn't fall in love, he fell into "infatuation."
This is not to take away the idea of romance. It's just that the Western world has the order reversed. First, look for the spiritual qualities. Then once you propose, you can fall head over heels and enjoy yourself. After all, you have the best spouse in the world!
THE KABBALAH OF MARRIAGE
There is an even deeper level to marriage.
Judaism says that intimacy is one of the holiest acts we can perform. In fact, the Hebrew word for the marriage ceremony, "kiddushin," comes from the word "kadosh," holy.
Judaism says that the greatest physical pleasure is that which is done for a spiritual reason. That's why on Shabbat, the holiest day of the week, when you are able to get closest to attaining your longing, the Sages specifically enjoin couples to be together.
It is important to see how this longing for closeness is driving you. It is very deep. It will give your marriage meaning.
"Song of Songs," written by King Solomon, is a love song between a man and a woman. Yet the Talmud calls it the "Holy of Holies" - the most sacred biblical text. Why? Because intimacy is really an expression of our deep desire for the ultimate unity: to connect with God.
The verse, "I am to my beloved, and my beloved is to me" (Song of Songs 6:3), refers symbolically to the longing for oneness with God.
Bring spiritual awareness into your marriage. The secret to a really a powerful marriage is to walk with God in the middle. Being kind to your spouse is a way of being like God, who created us to give us pleasure. Tapping into this mindset will give your marriage more meaning and ultimately, more pleasure.
ETERNAL BOND
The Torah describes a marriage as basar echad - "they will be one flesh." A marriage is not a partnership, not a companionship. It is a oneness. A spiritual bond. The force has put you together. Deep in the instincts of a human being, there is a bond.
In the same way that your child is part of you, when you get married, he/she is part of you. That holy bond makes you part of each other for eternity. You are not alone anymore.
When you are intimate, you give away a piece of yourself forever. So make sure that the pieces you give away are to the person with whom you want to be eternally joined!
This applies in both a metaphysical and emotional sense. Do you remember the first boy/girl you were involved with? Can you recall the wonderful magic?!
Shouldn't that magic be reserved for your spouse? Imagine there was only one man/woman in the world. If you could marry the only man/woman in the world, do you understand how precious your relationship would be? That is the power we are talking about.
If you bond with others carelessly, it will be tougher and tougher to get married, and stay married. You are always going to compare your spouse: "She is lacking this. He is lacking that. She is lacking this. He is lacking that." You don't have the only man/woman in the world.
Make your moves very carefully. It will affect your relations for the whole future.
AVOID HARMFUL TEMPTATIONS
Anything precious is worth concealing. So it's no coincidence that as society becomes more promiscuous and revealing, the quality of relationships and the specialness of marriage goes down.
Yet with the bombardment of the media, how do we avoid the trap of seeing intimacy as cheap, easy and degrading?
One of the best ways to avoid abuse is to create a protective fence. If you're on a diet to lose weight, you'll stay away from places that serve fattening food. So too, if you want to keep your eyes and mind where they belong, avoid going where you will encounter temptation.
Pull your eyes away. That is the discipline of being in control.
You can avoid temptation by keeping your mind occupied with things that interest you. When you're up to bat in the last inning of a baseball game, you don't notice anyone walking by. You have your eye on the ball. So too, keep your mind immersed in creative and intellectual pursuits.
Especially, don't daydream or fantasize about these matters. It's destructive and counterproductive. Wasting your brainpower on illusions is wasting your potential.
Daydreaming also creates "fictions" that you and your partner will never be able to live up to. You are always looking on the other side.
WHY IS "MARRIAGE" A WAY TO WISDOM?
- How you approach intimacy is a barometer for how much you are generally in control of your desires.
- Intimacy for its own sake is degrading.
- Marriage is a holy act of unification which helps lift us into a connection with God.
- Intimacy is an eternal bond. Choose your eternity carefully.
- When you choose to minimize, you are in control.
Author Biography:
Rabbi Noah Weinberg, of blessed memory, was the dean and founder of Aish HaTorah International. For 50 years, his visionary educational programs brought hundreds of thousands of Jews closer to their heritage.
This article can also be read at: http://www.aish.com/
