Flying on Course
The first relationship a person experiences in this world is that between parent and child. We are taught that one of the primary values of this relationship is its parallel to our relationship with Hashem. The pain and triumphs we feel so tangibly as parents are mere shadows of what Hashem feels with Klal Yisrael’s failures and successes.
Divinely Designed
Rav Hutner teaches a fascinating point in discussing the halachos of kibud av v’eim. The parent-child relationship is divinely designed so that a parent perceives each child as an extension of himself both physically and spiritually. This defines his tafkid in parenting.
It becomes confusing, therefore, when parents are faced with children who are so different from themselves. Yet we must believe that in making this match Hashem knew all the trials and treasures entailed in this relationship. A relative of a well-known rav related that when she was struggling with one of her children, the rav gave her chizuk by telling her, “Children were not given to us for nachas; they were given to us for avodas Hashem.”
When Expectations aren’t Met
It’s Friday evening. A Jewish mother stands before her candles, her lips moving silently, her body swaying with intense concentration. She whispers the heartfelt tefillah, “Let me merit to raise children … who love Hashem and fear Him, holy children …” Many a tear has been shed by mothers whose children are not fulfilling the hopes expressed in this tefillah.
What do we do when our children aren’t following a path of Torah? Or, more accurately, what do we think?
Much has been written in recent years on this painful issue. Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita often relates how thankful he is that he was not born into today’s generation of young people, for whom the temptations and lures of the secular world are literally “at their fingertips.”
No parent can possibly assume that her children are going through “exactly” what she went through growing up. The world of chinuch is constantly striving to meet the ever-changing needs of Klal Yisrael’s children. The needs of parents are also shifting, as they try to stay sane in the whirlwind of fulfilling ever-growing demands.
Parents must fortify themselves with the knowledge that if Hashem deemed them fit to care for the neshamah of their child, then they have the kochos needed to actualize their child’s potential. Chazal teach us (Niddah 30b) that there are three partners in the creation of every child, and we must remind ourselves that the Ribono shel Olam does not “drop out” kaviyachol once the child is created.
The Gemara (Moed Katan 28a) teaches us the concept of “banim b’mazel talia milsa” (literally, children are dependent on one’s mazel). Mazel refers to the way a constellation above directly impacts the life of the person born “under” it. We also know that “ein mazel l’Yisrael” (Shabbos 156a) —Jews do not live life determined by the Zodiac. How do we reconcile this seeming contradiction?
The Rishonim teach us that, yes, a person is born under a “mazel” and so has certain tendencies and predilections; this is evident in most children from a very young age. But we are not “trapped” by our natures; this would completely undermine our basic fundamental faith in free will. Rather, a person is born with both positive and negative attributes that affect his personality, and they must be honed and cultivated.
It is the parents’ job to sense the needs of each child’s nature as he develops — or in the words of Rav Wolbe, “to plant and build” the neshamos with which they have been entrusted. Parents were given this responsibility by Hashem. Yet every child will eventually become an adult with his own free will. We can only hope that the chinuch he receives growing up will guide that free will — but it is certainly no guarantee.
The Secret of Success
From the moment a child is conceived, its future is uncertain. Yet, from the moment a mother is aware of her unborn child, she does not cease praying for its welfare.
What will impact the baby who emerges? Are children born with a fixed destiny? Are we at the mercy of “banim b’mazel talia milsa” — the concept mentioned in the Gemara that Rivkah faced while her sons were yet in the yeshivah of the womb? We see that banim are also dependent on tefillah; the fate of our offspring can be directly affected by the power of our prayers, as in the example of Chanah. Batsheva, the mother of Shlomo, showed us a third factor — that children will flourish and develop with the proper dose of “mussar avicha” and “Toras imecha.”
So what’s the winning formula? Can parents guarantee their children’s outcomes?
While there are no guarantees, parenting with the correct balance of tefillah, Torah, and mussar is the only means by which we can hope to fulfill Hashem’s purpose in entrusting us with our children. This is not an easy mission, and each of these tools comes with its own challenges:
- Tefillah — We cannot rely on davening alone to solve all our children’s problems. We also have to explore every avenue of hishtadlus, with every step accompanied by heartfelt prayer.
- Torah — We are obligated to teach our children Torah and mitzvos. However, we must take care that our chinuch is not guided by a zealotry that will cause a child to resent our lifestyle.
- Mussar — As the ones entrusted with developing the middos of our children, we must judiciously use rebuke as a tool to put our children back on track, taking care not to push them off course.
A Degree in Parenting
Many remark on the irony of how our education system reinforces and guides us in so many areas of life, yet we are thrown into parenting without graduating any course or getting any degree. We have to learn on the job, making it imperative for all of us to constantly question, scrutinize, and fortify our parenting skills and strategies.
We are blessed today with many great audio shiurim and seforim to help parents with their awesome task. However, situations that mandate careful thought and calculation require the guidance of someone familiar with the family. The parent who approaches a rebbi, rebbetzin, or therapist for hadrachah should therefore never view himself as a weak parent — rather, as a parent with courage.
Rabbi Raphael Pelcovitz shlita, on whose pulpit my husband is now privileged to stand, relates the following lesson: One must hold his child in his hand as if he were a baby bird. If he clenches his hand shut, tight as a fist, it will crush the bird; if he opens his hand wide, the bird will fly away before it is able to navigate the world.
The baby bird must be held delicately to allow it to look at the world, flutter its wings, and take its first steps within the safe and secure confines of the hand. Eventually the bird will fly on its own. We hope and pray that it will follow a course based on the skills and caution it learned in the safe embrace of its loving parent.
“I remember the chesed of your youth,” Hashem tells us in the haftarah of Parshas Matos (Yirmiyah 2:2), “how you went after Me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown.” Klal Yisrael has strayed many times from the pure faith of our youth. Sometimes the bird flies off course. Yet just as Hashem persists in loving us, parents must always persist in loving their child. And we must remember that every bird can always find its way back home....
Parents must feel confident in knowing that the child they once cradled has benefited from all of their tireless efforts and heartfelt tefillos. It may not be appreciated and may not be readily evident — but as with any investment, it is impossible to know when the dividends will be reaped.
Just as the Ribono shel Olam refuses to forsake His hope for His children’s return, no parent should ever forsake hope. While awaiting that return, the Ribono shel Olam knows that every person is the master of his own free will. Parents are responsible to provide their child with the best opportunities to make positive choices, but ultimately their child will develop into an adult who chooses his own responses to life.
As we read on Tisha B’Av, let us “search and examine our ways and return to Hashem” (Eichah 3:40). Hopefully, we will soon we join our Father in Heaven in seeing the fulfillment of all children returning home, to the place where they belong. “V’shavu banim ligvulam.”
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