Fundamentals
She is no longer alone. She has walked down to the chuppah. Become an eizer kenegdo. She shops, cooks, cleans, and folds her laundry to perfection. She hosts a beautiful Shabbos meal for many grateful guests with her candles burning brightly. Yet does anyone recognize that she lit those two candles with a broken heart — a heart torn with longing?
Our first encounter in Tanach with tefillah as a silent supplication is that of Chanah — a childless woman. Her intense emotional outpouring to the Ribono shel Olam was mistakenly interpreted by the Kohein Gadol as drunkenness. Besides classic intoxication, being drunk can also be defined as an emotion driven by intense feeling. Such as the raw emotional pain of infertility.
Last Chanukah, I was a speaker at an event for single women. The worthy cause of the gathering was to benefit ATIME – A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange. While every nisayon hachayim is unique in its challenges, I described a clear parallel between singleness and infertility. “Imagine the pain of almost getting engaged every single month.” While every married woman must be grateful for the lack of a single’s loneliness, the roller coaster of infertility creates a constantly renewed and raw wound in the life of a woman.
From the time a little girl begins to observe life, her favorite role-playing is often that of “Mommy.” As a girl grows older, she becomes tangibly aware that her unique potential in life is to be a mother. When the Torah recounts Chavah’s creation, Rashi quotes the Midrash describing a woman’s build as a “storehouse.” According to the Midrash, in Chanah’s aforementioned tefillah to Hashem she cried out, “But why was I created this way if not to bring children into the world!”
The Chazon Ish eloquently describes the miracles of motherhood: The ability of a woman to bring life into the world is miraculous. Equally astounding is her natural instinct to nurture and give endlessly to her child. What a shock it is to any woman who finds that predilection unfulfilled. This struggle can affect every relationship in her life — between herself and Hashem, her husband, her family, her friends, and even her daily interaction with our world — filled with so many beautiful Yiddishe kinderlach!
As we examine each of these struggles, I hope to share many of the invaluable life lessons that I discovered during my twelve-plus years of infertility.
All nisyonos can be defined as follows: the challenge of either failure or growth through unexpected obstacles in life. However, the repeated struggles of many of our Imahos with infertility seems to indicate that infertility is the primary nisayon that can truly mold a Jewish woman as a potential eim b’Yisrael.
First and foremost, as Chanah displayed for us, we must know that the natural emotional reaction to infertility is one of pain and frustration — even anger. The question then is where to channel that emotion, and what to do with it?
In every nisayon in life there is clear feeling of having been singled out by Hashem. “Why me?” In my nisayon of infertility, I was often offered the comfort of people saying: “Look at all the great people who went through this nisayon; obviously Hashem feels that you are special.” Although my instinctual response may not have been verbalized, it was certainly formulated: “I’ll gladly trade ‘special’ for a house filled with healthy children!”
Rav Yaakov Weinberg, ztz”l, former rosh yeshivah of Ner Israel, shared a very powerful insight. In the world of parenting, very often the most painful punishment is less painful than no punishment at all. The lesson is clear: when Hashem singles me out in life by giving me pain, He is telling me that He expects something from me.
We are taught that our Imahos were barren because Hashem desires our tefillos. The often asked query is; “Does Hashem need anything? How, then, can he desire tefillos?”
Hashem determines everything in this world. What is left in our hands is to determine our relationship with Him. When Hashem withholds something so precious from one of His daughters, it is His personal invitation to reach out to Him. The pain in tefillah, says Rav Dessler in Michtav MeEliyahu, is likened to plowing a field. First the soil must been turned over, to expose fertile ground to plant. A barren woman’s tefillos to Hashem opens her heart to honest prioritization and a clear understanding of the true value of life. This understanding, achieved through her nisayon, will hopefully make her fertile ground for a nesahmah kedoshah to come into this world.
Our Mamme Rochel’s cry for children expressed her preference for death over childlessness — “Give me children, and if not (v’im ayin), I am like dead!” The Shem MiShmuel points out that the word choice of “ayin” should technically be translated as “nothingness,” as opposed to “not.” He translates the verse: “Give me children, and if they are of nothingness, it is like I am dead.” Who are children of “nothingness”? Children whose very arrival was not a catalyst for their parents’ growth.
To Rochel Imeinu, being a mother meant recognizing that there is no gift from Hashem that is worthless. Furthermore, the absence of those gifts is also not inconsequential. A woman who uses her nisayon of childlessness to become closer to Hashem can hope that her growth through this nisayon will enable her to be a better eim b’Yisrael.
However, even if a woman works on utilizing her nisayon for growth, what should she do with all those maternal kochos as she awaits her yeshuah? And if b’derech hateva her salvation never comes, where does she direct her maternal instincts?
Chazal teach us that there are many relationships in this world that are comparable to that of a parent and child. Every childless woman has many opportunities to care for others as if they were her own children. Her Shabbos table is one example of a situation rich in opportunity to give. Outside the home, there are so many needs in our community for connection with children in all contexts — physical, emotional, and educational. Situations abound for women with hearts open to give. Many a coworker marveled at what a dedicated teacher I was during my years of childlessness. I see now how much caring I had latent within me, and I consider myself fortunate that I seized those chances.
I must mention that caution must always be exercised with any of these options. Allowing a job or chesed to become an obsession or a dependency is a true risk for a women who feels an emptiness in her life. However, with the proper balance, the rewards are immeasurable. While it is true that no one else’s child can ever replace the yearning to have one’s own, allowing oneself to utilize an inert desire to give is truly satisfying.
How troubling it is that there are women who sit at home waiting for their yeshuos to come. Rav Wolbe in Alei Shor teaches that idleness is the ticket to increased depression. Sadness leads to laziness, which in turn leads to despair; it becomes a vicious cycle that will continue if one does not rouse herself to break it. We never expect the nisyonos that we receive, but we do choose how we will react to them. The journey through any nisayon is an assessment of oneself in the most honest form.
In our upcoming columns, we will discuss the facets of a woman’s relationship with others during the turbulent times of infertility. However, her success in all relationships begins with her relationship with herself. The Piaseczner Rebbe, Rav Kalonymos Kalman Shapira, explains that Hashem’s question of Adam — “Ayekah —where are you?” — should resonate in every individual’s ears. “Where are you?” Are you a chameleon, continuously changing yourself based on what is occurring in your life? Or do you have an understanding of yourself — a foundation? Can you manage to preserve your identity, despite the unanticipated challenges in life?
Chocolate … painting … writing … chocolate … work … chesed … chocolate … music … friends … chocolate … Knowing myself — these things work for me!
Understanding oneself means that one can be empowered to cope — despite having a valid excuse to indulge in self pity. This is a skill that will evolve, making this woman one who can proudly say: “Hashem, I acknowledge that I am special and I will do the best possible job at being me, with whatever life situation You give me.”
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