Fundamental Growth: She Sits Alone
She sits alone at the family simchah, though she is surrounded by people. She has a deep hole in her heart, though she is beloved by many.
She is our sister — our unmarried friend.
She is our city — Yerushalayim.
Yerushalyim — we love to walk her paths, find comfort in her stones. She is our home, our light, the source of all brachah, the most beautiful place in the world. However, Yerushalyim is crying, for what has been lost, for that which is sorely missing. Twice in Tehillim David HaMelech promises us, “Tismach Tzion” (Tzion will be happy). He couples that with another happiness — “Tagelnah bnos Yehudah.” There will be a time that all Jewish daughters are able to rejoice.
It is clear that the intense pain of the many Jewish daughters who are waiting for what they’re missing is not random and has a very specific purpose. Their pain is part and parcel of the pain of our galus, the pain of our forlorn city. Just as Yerushalayim mourns the proper presence of her “spouse” — Klal Yisrael — in the full glory of the Shechinah, we can parallel that experience to our daughters, sisters, and friends who are missing their spouse, the one to whom they could be a helpmate as prescribed by the Torah.
Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita, when asked how to explain the difficult situations that so many single girls are in today, replied that the pain of Jewish daughters is intertwined with the pain of Yerushalayim. He points out that we already find a clue in the experience of the galus of Bayis Rishon. Megillas Eichah links the distress of Yerushalayim with that of unmarried woman: “Her maidens are distressed and she [Yerushalayim] is embittered.”
“The Shidduch Crisis” has reached proportions unparalleled in Jewish history. It has put all of our maidens in a state of fright and, at times, embitterment. My mother who, baruch Hashem, married off three daughters with relative ease, felt a pressure when my third sister was dating that she had never felt before. I have heard more than one seminary student, at eighteen years old, express great trepidation as to the possibility of “never getting married.” This was a rare fear for the typical young girl a short ten or fifteen years ago.
I feel unworthy of commenting, having married, baruch Hashem, at a young age with a short dating career, but my experiences as an educator of seminary girls and a lecturer in different forums has given me opportunity to formulate some thoughts and perspectives on the topic of the “Shidduch Crisis.” The crisis is widespread enough that everyone is pained by it, primarily the singles themselves, but also their families, their friends, and acquaintances. This has clearly reached the status of “Klal Yisrael’s Problem.”
What should we think? What should we do?
I wonder if there is not a very necessary shift in educational focus that must take place as we educate our girls. While it remains of utmost value to inculcate our daughters with the proper middos and hashkafos needed to be a wife and mother, I feel that there needs to be an additional crucial emphasis on self-worth and purpose alongside it. I am not a statistician, but I could venture to say that in the first year of their return from seminary less than 50 percent of the girls marry. Of the remaining 50+ percent, fewer than half marry the following year, and so on until, halevai, they are all married. That ultimate last wedding can, at times, take up to twenty or thirty years. Our young women must be given an intrinsic sense of purpose and an awareness of potential accomplishments in life, regardless of whose wife or whose mother they may be.
I write these words as I sit in a very special place, Chai Lifeline’s Camp Simcha. Here I work alongside many fantastic not-yet-married women. The incredible world that they have delicately created for the sick children of Klal Yisrael gives these lofty neshamos the will to fight for their lives! How many mothers can thank Hashem for all that is done for their children by these women in so many fields: physical and emotional health, education, and recreation?
I marvel when thinking about the legendary Sarah Schenirer who was only given the opportunity for marriage later in life. Where would we all be today had she sat sequestered in her room, depressed, and waiting to get married? Every stage in life comes with its opportunities — but it takes special koach to recognize and pursue them with passion.
Rav Ezriel Tauber, shlita, once explained that when it comes to being single, men are very different than women. The gemara in Yevamos (62b) teaches that life without a wife is a life without tovah, shleimus, shalom, Torah, etc. It says nothing as such about a woman without a husband. In Gur Aryeh, the Maharal points out that Sarah Imeinu was called Yisca before she married Avraham Avinu. She was Yisca, “sh’sachtah b’ruach hakodesh,” for she gazed at life though ruach hakodesh. This is something that she achieved purely on her own, independent of being married to Avraham Avinu! We all must recognize the fantastic contributions that not-yet-married women make as valuable members of our community. We must treat them as such and never judge them for being in a situation in which they clearly have no control.
However, this is not to say that we should remain complacent as we value the place and purpose of our singles. We must realize that Sarah Schenirer DID indeed eventually marry. She never lost sight of marriage as one of her primary goals in life. No one has the right to “give up” on anyone’s chances to get married. Upon our first Torah encounter with our matriarch Leah, all we are told about her is “Eineha rakkos” (her eyes were tender). Rashi explains that Leah cried continuously because she thought she was destined to marry Eisav. Many mefarshim explain that that was initially Leah’s destiny, but through her heartfelt cries and outpouring of tefillah, she was zocheh to marry Yaakov Avinu. Leah Imeinu taught us that through tefillah one can change her entire marital destiny!
So, to all those who are still waiting, please don’t stop davening for your bashert. As long as there remain Jewish men in the world, there is no reason for any woman to feel that marriage is an impossibility for her. This aspect of hishtadlus should never cease.
But what about the other aspects of hishtadlus that come along with the challenge of being single? It is very hard to continue to speak with shadchanim, take care of your appearance, go to singles events, and keep up a positive attitude throughout. I urge all those who ask me to take breaks in their hishtadlus when necessary, since burnout can easily occur. Every person must also know for herself what is realistic and when she has pushed herself or been pushed to a point that she is miserable.
In mentioning being “pushed,” I find it paramount to mention that people really do care. Not everyone is sensitive enough to know how to express that care. It is so important for you to communicate your boundaries. No two people are the same. Some young women want to know that people are looking out for them and to increase any opportunity to meet a quality person. Others aren’t interested in knowing how much people are trying and would rather not talk about their single state. In order to stay happy and unhurt you must be able to express your needs and your comfort level. Hopefully, your educating others on how to interact with you will only serve to protect you and prevent them from unintentionally hurting you.
The rest of us should be attuned to the cues that we get from our unmarried friends and relatives. As happy and positive as they may seem to be, we should not for a moment forget the pain that they are in. The gemara in Shabbos (118b) tells us of Rav Yossi who always called his wife “beisi” — my house. A woman has the potential to personify and build an entire Yiddishe home. Every woman currently missing that opportunity is yearning for it.
Let’s return to Yerushalayim’s tears. Do we not all yearn so much to see her in her full glory? Shouldn’t her streets be filled with singing and dancing, in a state of peace and tranquility? We must all do our maximum in hishtadlus, both in tefillah and in myriad practical efforts for Yerushalayim’s maidens. The ultimate Shadchan doesn’t need our help, but He does want to see that we’re trying our utmost to bring the sounds of sasson, simchah, chassan, v’kallah to all the cities of Yehudah.
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